In which I'm learning to be more understanding

I like to take a small notebook to church with me. Sometimes I take notes, sometimes I don't. Sometimes those notes are a great reminder to me of how to think and act in tough situations.


As you all are abundantly aware, Zack and I are being made to wait longer than expected for this little one to join our family. It's kind of hard and kind of annoying. And it's most annoying to have to explain to everyone over and over that we are still waiting. When people come up to me in church and say "Sooo, any news?!" I find myself just giving a quick "still waiting" and then I walk on. I've found that the most effective response is, "When you see us with a baby, then there's news. If you see us without a baby, then there's no news." Most people have understood and haven't really asked us about the baby after that. Thank you!

And then there are those people who haven't quite figured out what's appropriate to say in a situation like this.

A few Sundays ago Zack and I were approached by someone in our ward whose name I didn't know, but whom I knew by sight. This well-meaning individual came up to Zack and said "So, did you lose the baby?"

Zack, struggling to recover from such a blunt, insensitive statement, said, "Um no, we're just still waiting." After this nice person walked away Zack turned to me and asked, "Who WAS that?"

My response: "I don't know their name, but I wrote about them in church today."

We both started chuckling and that put an end to any hurt feelings we might have had against that person. You see, they didn't mean to be insensitive. And we were reminded not to take offense.

I think we all have times in our lives when we are going through a hard time. And we'll all encounter well-meaning people whose only desire is to understand us or to make us feel better. Sometimes they fall short of that mark. But they don't mean to offend. So I'm not going to take offense.

*Rule of thumb: If you know someone pretty well and talk to them fairly frequently and are considered a friend, feel free to talk to them about tough times they are having in their life. You know them well enough to know what is appropriate to say and what's not and if your friend says "I don't want to talk about it" you'll understand.

But if you don't know them at all and NEVER talk to them, please, please, please do not pry into their life to find information on tough times they are having. A simple "I'm praying for you" or "I'm sorry for your loss" (if it's a death in the family) will do if you really have to say something. Don't give advice and don't ask questions.

In Summary

In case you are new to the blog, or just haven't visited in a while, welcome! To all you regulars, thanks for coming back!

Here's where we stand, in a nutshell (feel free to click on underlined words, which indicate links to other blog posts).

In early October 2008 we made the decision to adopt a baby, and decided to create a blog as a journal of events. We decided to use the LDS Family Services Agency and were finally approved for adoption on Feb 4, 2009, which basically meant that they deemed us worthy to be adoptive parents and that a birthmother could choose us any time.

At the end of May 2009, we began thinking a little more globally and decided to adopt internationally through Adoption Advocates International (AAI). We had to choose a country, so in Mid-June we decided that we wanted to adopt from Ethiopia. The "approved" date for international adoption is determined by the date your dossier is sent to the country, which happened on Sep 11, 2009. We will hopefully find out next Spring that we have a referral. Then we'd hope to be able to go pick him up in Ethiopia towards the end of Summer or Fall of 2010.

Over the past year we had a few times where we were selected by a birthmother, or gave our information to a birthmother for consideration. There has been a lot of thought, prayers, tears, and joys throughout the process. We recognize that we've been pretty blessed in many ways, and though some times have been difficult, we're grateful that we were led down the current path.

Most recently (early Oct, 2009) we submitted our information to another adoption agency (A Act of Love) for a baby boy in Florida. On Oct 13th we found out that we had been chosen for him! Since he is in State custody there has been a lot of legal red tape to get through. You'd think Carrie and I would be better at being patient by now, but we apparently haven't learned that lesson yet. We thought the last possible delay would end yesterday, but we found out today that it will be 2 or more weeks before we even find out when we can go pick him up. We were sure we'd have him by Halloween, then by my birthday, then for SURE by Thanksgiving. Now we're just praying to have him home by Christmas. We'll keep the door open for him though, no matter when he comes :o).

And We're Getting All Kind of Impatient...Waiting

We are one step closer to picking up our little boy. We're now waiting for a court date wherein the birthfather denies paternity (again) or just doesn't show up, which, in effect, says the same thing.

The theme-song for our adoption has always been this song. The words have never been more true these past 4 weeks.



It's faith that has kept me from going crazy these past few weeks. I can't give any other explanation to the fact that I've remained calm amidst the uncertainty of quitting my job and not knowing for sure if this thing was going to happen. (In effect, feeling like I've jumped off a cliff without a parachute.)

Someday we'll post all the details surrounding this adoption so you can all understand exactly what's been going through our minds but, like I've said to Zack, this is either exactly what Heavenly Father wants us to do and this boy's plan was always to be part of our family...or we've just made the dumbest decision of our lives.
I'm going with the first one.

Teddy Afro

This guy is supposedly the "Michael Jackson" of Ethiopia.
I like it. (Just don't mind the dancing ladies wearing bikinis.)
Now where to find a CD?



Here are the lyrics in case you wanted to sing along.

"Ayinoche ayayu, birhan yelachew
Belijinete, diro atichachew
Liben tesemaw, engida neger
Mirkuz yije new, yemiyawkegn hager
Alem tayechign, be’anchi wist hona
Befikir kuraz, be’lambadina
Ahun aye ayine, ahun aye ayine
Ahun aye ayine, ahun aye ayine
(Lamba-dina, lamba…)
Meshito ayine be’lijinete
Merikagn sitimot enatee
Welell welel alelign
Be’fikir bira endalechign
Anchi lay wesida talechign
(lambadina)
Ye’emiye semiro timbitua
Wedaj agegnehu ke’anjetua
(welel welel aleligne)
Kuraze lik ende’maye
Anchi nesh lambadinaye
(lambadina)
Lambadina, lambadina
Lambadina, lambadina
lambadina honshilet
le’ayine, le’ayine mebrat
(Lamba-dina, lamba…)
Endatikorabet ayinihin
Fikir yalnekaw libihin
(welel welel alelign)
Bemayet silematibelitegn
Na menetsiren lewitegn
(Lambadina)
Fikir yelelew ayinama
Weitotal ena chelema
(welel, welel aleligne)
Sew wedo sew yalwededew
Mikruzen meto yiwsedew
(Lambadina)
Lambadina, lambadina
Lambadina, lambadina
lambadina honshilet
le’ayine, le’ayine mebrat
ye’ayine mekresu
badonewmayet lebichaw
mindinewsayay yamene
siterawey fikir meto siyaberaw
Ahun aye ayine, ahun aye ayine
Ahun aye ayine, ahun aye ayine"

I'm pretty sure I have the chorus down. The rest will need some work.

...In Which Carrie Rants

Three weeks ago, when we "signed up" with this agency and were chosen to adopt this little boy, we talked to the agency and asked them if we needed to be fingerprinted. LDSFS was telling everyone they had to, so we figured this agency would be the same. "Oh no, you don't have to be fingerprinted..." they said.
They said.
Fast forward THREE WEEKS to this week when they call us and let us know that hmmm, I think we actually do need to be fingerprinted. Would we mind taking these fingerprint cards to our local police station, getting fingerprinted, getting two money orders payable to the U.S. Treasury, and then mailing them to them so we can then mail them to the FBI in West Virginia for processing?
Seriously?
Three weeks ago you didn't know that we'd need fingerprinting done? We've been sitting on our thumbs for three weeks waiting for everything to happen and NOW we find out about this? So now, instead of just waiting for our bonehead attorney in Florida to call (us or even make some sort of contact since his initial (and ONLY) call 3 weeks ago) and let us know when we can come out, we are also waiting for the FBI to receive our prints in the mail, process them, and then send them back. I don't have a time-frame on how long that's supposed to take, but it's the FBI in WEST VIRGINIA and the USPS. You do the math. I'm thinking 3 weeks minimum. If it turns out we have to wait another 3 weeks before we can pick up this baby I...well, I can't easily describe how I'll feel or what I'll want to do to certain people. I can't really do anything about it. No one can make up the time we're losing every day we don't have our son with us. He's almost 3 months old. When we started all of this he wasn't even 2 months old. Some things you can pay back. When time with your child is lost, you can't get it back. We're already going to have to deal with lost time when we go to Ethiopia. I was hoping we wouldn't have the same problem with a domestic adoption.
So this morning we got up and headed over to the police station where a friend of ours in our ward (who happens to be a police officer) did our fingerprinting for us. I then headed over to the credit union to get two money orders and then I headed down to the agency's office (I wasn't going to wait for the postal system to send these to Sandy when I have LOADS of free time on my hands.) where they inform me that the policy just changed and now both Zack and I have to sign the letter that goes with our fingerprints to the FBI. It used to be the agency could just sign it. (Are you kidding me? I want to ask. Is this the first adoption you've ever done? I want to ask. But I don't.) So, what do I do? I drive to Zack's work and have him sign the letter. Then I head over to the post office where I try to over-night this letter to West Virginia. The lady there tells me that "over-night" really means it's only guaranteed within 2 days and this letter will get there on Saturday if I over-night it today (since it's going to such a rural part of the country, so she says). If I used priority mail it will get there on Monday. Get there on Saturday and sit until Monday, or just get there on Monday...? I decide to save $15 and just have it sent priority mail.

And that's my day.
It's 4:00 in the afternoon and I haven't done anything I had planned on doing today. But that's okay. My motivation to do anything worthwhile and in preparation for our baby kind of lost steam when we got word from the agency, who talked to our attorney (who's paying this guy, anyway?) who told them that he's trying to see the judge this week to "finalize everything". Whatever that means. And he's at a funeral today but his secretary is working on things. And if he can't see the judge this week he's tempted to drive up to where the baby is and just get him. What in the crap does THAT mean?

My plan for today was to deep-clean the bedroom, trim the roses for winter and do some weeding. I think I'll have time to do that next week now. Instead, I'm going to make cookies, sit on the couch and read the book that I was saving for my flight to Florida.

They say having to go through stuff like this is "labor" for adoptive parents. At least when you're in real labor you can have drugs.

*Update: I could't make cookies because don't have any butter or margarine. Could this day BE any worse? That's it. I'm just eating the chocolate chips.

Time Has a Funny Way...

Call it interesting, or cool, or whatever. There's no REAL meaning to it. I don't think the odds are in our favor, but I just think it would be pretty...something... if we were to find out that we could pick up Caleb this Wednesday. You know, exactly 9 months to the day after this post.

It's Never Been So Real

Work and Babies. Both seem to me like an endless dangling carrot. My project at work is behind schedule and it seems that every time a problem has been solved, another one pops up. Such is the life of an engineer. Each problem can be an exciting challenge to figure out and solve. I really enjoy that very thing. However, it has started to feel like I'm fighting a battle that can't be won no matter how hard I try or how good my methods are.

Ditto that for babies.

Whether it is a new Thermal Block or a new baby, I can't keep myself from having so much hope, even though my brain tells me that this will just be another let down. With work and babies, my brain has been right so much lately that it just seems like the end will never come (yeah, yeah, enjoy the journey...whatever. I do that too :o) ).

SO, the point I'm trying to make as I take a break from boxing up all of Carrie's things, is that one thing that makes this feel real to me, is Carrie leaving her job. Today is her last day.

Let me take this moment to let you all know what an incredible teacher she is. I'm sure lots of husbands think that about their teacher wives, but I have reason to believe Carrie is truly exceptional. I've witnessed it in action many times, and just stood in awe. She is extremely intelligent. She is very creative and innovative in finding ways to help kids learn in their own style. Watching her makes me fiercely protective whenever I hear people badmouthing public schools. Her's is a very challenging school with a high rate of turnover and a lot of parents who don't know how to properly be involved in the lives of their kids. It isn't easy, but she makes a difference for these kids, and she's stayed at this school for 10 years when most teachers go to some other school the first chance they get. She's calm and stable and confident and loving. I think there are only a couple teachers who have been here longer, and I know I never had a teacher with such a great collection of qualities for teaching (except her of course :o) ). They will definitely miss her, but we'll miss them too. They've made good friends. They've made her a stronger person, and she'll be a better Mom because of this school. I'm forever grateful. (Like I just told Carrie, "Real Men don't use tissues when they cry!")

I'm distractable, but I'm cool with that.

So anyway, I'm pretty full of emotion right now because of how I already miss Carrie's school, combined with how happy I am she's moving on, combined with how real it feels that a new journey is right around the corner. And I'm excited for it :o)

More "Not Terrible" News

So, word on the street, or in our case from our agency, is that in court today the birthmother "stood by her surrender". Meaning she still plans to place this baby for adoption. Meaning we will get to bring him home. But probably not this week.

Soooo, YEA for good news! BOO for having to wait longer.

At least it's not terrible news...

The judge granted the motion but wants to continue the hearing on Monday to make sure the birthmom understands what she's doing.
So.
Monday.
Maybe.

Tahalas...Shalatass...Halatos...

Let me start off by saying that we haven't heard anything yet. As far as we know, the judge is deciding right this very minute, but I wanted to mention that we did find out from the social worker that we would likely be going to Tallahassee, which is right under Georgia, in the middle of the Florida panhandle.
A quick thank you to the guys at work who are working double duty so I could come up to be at school with Carrie when the call comes.

FAQ

We've had a lot of good questions lately. My Mom had a pretty good list in an e-mail, so I thought I'd post the answers. Feel free to add to the Question list and we'll give you the best answer we can. By the way, today's the day we find out if we pass Court. Keep us in your prayers!

Q1 How is Caleb's Health?

We've seen his health record and he appears to be a healthy little boy. Often preemies stay at the hospital at least until the expected delivery date, but he was released earlier than that (cuz he's so tough :o) ).

Q2 Was he born premature because of any addictions that the birth mother had or has?

We don't know that she didn't have any addictions, but we do know that she has had 3 other kids and all of them have been around 4 pounds. We think she just has a hard time carrying babies. She says she didn't have any drugs or alcohol during the pregnancy, and she did have medical care during the pregnancy and was on bed rest so we think he was taken care of.

Q3 Since Caleb has birth siblings, how will you handle that as far as the children knowing each other ?

We are proponents of open adoption. We don't see anything wrong with occasional contact with Caleb's birthfamily, but that will be primarily dependant on his birthmother and how she wants to handle it. We'd like to try to talk with her when we are in Florida, but we don't know if they will allow us to do that or not.

Qs 4-5 How much does he weigh now so I can make sure I get him something that fits? Is there anything in particular that you and Carrie need for him or want for him?

We don't know what he weighs. He is already 2 months old, but was a preemie. We have a lot of 0-3 month old stuff and 3-6 month old stuff. Between what we have bought and what we got from a shower/going away party that Carrie's school had for her, we have quite a bit of stuff. The only thing we're aware of that we need is 9 month and older stuff.

Q6 What kind of clothes do you like?

We aren't particular about styles or brand names or new vs. DI stuff. Our main issue is that it be modest, which is much less limiting in boy clothes.

Q7 Is Carrie going to finish out the school year ?

No way Jose. For better or worse, she has already sent her letter of resignation. Her last day of school will be before we go to Florida. She does plan to go back a couple times a month to work on the class opera she's doing with the kids.

Q8 What did Captain Jack forget to bring with him when he and his mighty fine crew attempted to cross the channel two?

A Rigabamboo

Q9 A Rigabamboo? Now what is that?

I think we're off topic. No more answers!

It's Not Real Yet

I just finished reading this article.
I think this explains my feelings about adopting our little boy from Florida.
Nothing is certain until he's in our arms and papers are signed. ...and even then it's not for sure. Nowhere does it say that you are immune from tragedy just because you've experienced it once already.

I remember a few years ago when Zack and I decided to look into fertility treatments and I just dreading being pregnant again. I wanted our children so badly, but I was terrified that things would go wrong...again. I was worried that if I got pregnant I wouldn't really let myself get excited for that baby. I didn't want to be hurt again.

So here we are expecting another baby. And I'm excited...but it's not real until he's HOME.
We find out on Friday (hopefully) if and when we can bring him home. Until that happens, this doesn't feel real. Not yet.

Ethiopia, Clarified

We've had some questions lately about how this news will affect our plans to adopt from Ethiopia.

The short answer is, it won't.

The long answer is... (inhale)

...not only are we still going to adopt a baby boy from Ethiopia, but we are so excited about it! Caleb (oh yeah, we plan to name our Florida Boy Caleb, and we may call him Baloo...we'll see) was born August 16 and was a preemie. We definitely don't know for sure, but there is a chance that Noah (oh yeah, we plan to name our Ethiopia Boy Noah) will be born sometime between December and April. So Caleb and Noah will be very close in age, and could be in the same school year if it seemed like a good thing to do. We are ecstatic about that. They will obviously have their agency, but I can see them being great friends, being there for each other in many ways.

The logistics of picking up Noah will be more interesting, since we'll have Caleb, but we'll figure that out with the help of our awesome Family and Friends.

So yeah, we are still anxious to get our Ethiopia referral. We'll have to wait a few months between the referral and passing Court, and going to pick him up. So this 1.5 week wait to pass court for Caleb and the few day wait after that to go pick him up, and the 5 hour flight home, will just help prepare us for the next order of magnitude we'll see with Noah.

Thank you all for your excitement. It is so fun to see the comments (and even the blog stalkers) and know that we have such a great support behind us. We'll do our best to be even half as good of parents as we've tricked you all into thinking we'll be. :o)

In the Meantime...

We found out tonight that things should be finalized in court on the 23rd. Once (or if, nothing's final until it's final) that happens we'll probably fly to Florida the next week.
That means we have 2 weeks to wait.
So what am I going to do for 2 weeks?

Try to give myself a headstart.

I'm going to make sure my house is really clean.
I'm going to finalize everything at school.
And I'm going to make freezer meals. I already have spaghetti sauce and taco soup in my freezer and I plan on making some lasagna to freeze. But that's all I know.
Does anyone have any really good freezer dinner recipes? 'Cuz I've got time to spare now.

It's a Boy!

In the midst of all the craziness that is our lives right now I just realized we haven't taken the time to include all of you in our good news! We were going to be clever and hint around about it by posting maybe pictures of baby stuff and a map of Florida...but my mind can't do creative right now. It's too full!

We found out yesterday that we were chosen by a birthmom in Florida!
Here are the facts about our boy:
He was born on August 16th. (His due date was September 27th, so he's a preemie.)
His birthmom is African-American. His birthdad is half Caucasian, half Hispanic. This would make him 100% aDORable. (I've used that phrase a few times and I'm sorry, but it's not getting old.)

As soon as things get passed in the courts and whatnot (please don't ask, because I don't know), we'll fly to Florida to pick him up.
It generally takes about 10 days for the Interstate Compact to go through and as soon as it does we can fly home! (Yes, this means we will be spending a couple weeks in Florida. It's a shame there's nothing to DO there....)

Yea yea yea yea yea! Celebrate with us! Go take yourselves out to dinner or something!

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AAI Blog and Holiday Project

I've added AAI's blog to the sidebar over to the left. If you'd like to check it out, it talks about what's going on at the orphanages, Layla and Wanna House. It's fun to read and keep up on what's happening where my baby will be/might currently be living. There are some really dedicated people over there doing a lot for these kids. I love it.

Right now they've started their annual Holiday Project. I don't know a lot about it, but I do know they ask for donations and then they use that money to buy gifts and other things like holiday parties for the orphans at all the orphanages they work with.
If you'd like to be a small part of that, you can donate here. The minimum donation is $30.

As Zack and I work to bring our little one home I know we are part of something great. We feel strongly that building our family this way is what we're supposed to do. We'll be providing a home and family for a child that otherwise wouldn't have one. (Though I can't help feeling like we're getting the better end of the deal.) The more I learn about it the more I want to bring all those children home. I know I can't and I can't help but feel bad for all those who are left behind. Donating to this Holiday Project is one way for me to give something to them. It sure feels like a drop in the bucket. But at least it's something.

*Update on our own humanitarian project: We got a list from Susan over at AAI of all the items they currently need at the orphanges. It's pretty big so we're going to chose just a few things we'd like to collect. Everything we collect will be delivered by us when we travel to Ethiopia next year, so we've got airline weight restrictions to keep in mind. We'll be posting more info soon.

What's a Dossier Anyway?

Three months and two weeks after the first conversation Carrie and I had about international adoption, and our dossier was sent to Ethiopia! It also happened to be Ethiopian New Year, which I happen to know because my wife has become an expert on all things Ethiopia. Having the Dossier sent is kind of like being approved at LDSFS. It means that we could now get a referral for a baby. Couples who are now getting referrals for baby boys had their Dossiers sent in mid Feb. You do the math and that puts us out until mid April time frame before we should expect to hear anything.
AAI (the international adoption agency) is really big on humanitarian aid, and we think it is a great idea. Since we will likely have nothing to do for the next seven months, expect to hear from us about ways we can work together to help some of the orphans over there.

Reality

I'd better write this blog now, because if I don't it'll never get written. But here's reality.
In an hour, or maybe even in 10 minutes I won't feel this way. I'll think of how lucky and blessed I am. I'll think of all the good things, and right things, and I'll be happy and fine. But that's not how I feel right now, and right now, I don't want to think about how lucky and blessed I am. The reality is that sometimes you just feel crappy. Yup, crappy enough to soft-swear about it.
Crappy because I'm nearly 32 and have a wife who's a perfect mother, just waiting for kids to raise. Crappy because we've been married for 7 years, and for 7 years haven't been able to have kids even though there is no medical explanation for it. Crappy because we keep postponing vacations, not eating out (as much) and not buying things we want, because we are saving all we can for adoptions. Crappy because in the space of two weeks, two birthmother's have chosen other, less cool, couples for their babies. Crappy because the most recent one was having twins (and I don't care what you all say about twins being hard, I still want them) and we were planning on refinancing our house so we'd have enough money to get them and still pay for our little Ethiopian boy later. But no, for us things will continue to be the same. Not bad, just the same.
Maybe the other couples had been waiting longer, maybe they are perfect for those kids, maybe they are actually supPOSed to have those kids. Bleh.
So, we'll keep waiting. Venting really can make you feel better sometimes, but the reality is, it feels crappier to have someone look at you, review the summary of your life and who you are, and then actively CHOOSE to not choose you than it does to find out that you are not pregnant for yet another month.
Come on Carrie. Let's go out to dinner.

Somewhere

Somewhere there's a couple on vacation, unaware that in December what they've hoped for will finally be coming true. They'll find out soon.

That couple is not us.
And I'm okay with it.

The other day Zack and I were talking about the situation we were in- this whole "Us or Them" scenario. Zack said he hoped the birthmother would choose us, but it was hard to hope that because it meant that another couple had to get their hopes dashed. We are part of a decision where the joy one couple experiences is shadowed by another couple's pain. But that's what the entire adoption experience is about, isn't it?
And no matter how hard you try, you can't shield yourself from the pain. You can't pretend you don't care, because deep down you do.
And so it hurts.
But you learn from the pain.
You grow.
You become stronger.
And you're okay with it.

Disappointment and I, we're comfortable with each other. It's familiar.
It's the joy and excitement and the fulfillment of promises that makes me uneasy. I feel like when it finally comes I'll be wary, watching around every corner waiting for the reality of disappointment and hurt to resume it's familiar place by my side. These dreams coming true, that feels too unstable. These dreams will come true someday, somewhere. Not here and now.
Before you all throw me a pity party and have an intervention at my house, that's only how I feel sometimes.

Most of the time I live with hope. I am extremely happy with hope.

Come to think of it, maybe it's not disappointment and hurt that feel familiar, maybe it's the hope that comes out of them that feels so comfortable, so familiar.

"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
-Romans 5: 1-5

Somewhere our children wait. I won't stop hoping for them.

Not Much To Say, But So Much To Hope!

I won't type much about our meeting today because I want to respect the birthmother's privacy, but I will say a little bit.

First of all, we thought things went really well.
This birthmother is great. We seemed to have a lot in common. She was really nice, mature beyond her years, very straightforward, and seemed to be able to handle and appreciate good amounts of sarcasm. We got along just fine.

Right now she's got a lot on her plate. Lots of important decisions to make. Her first and foremost concern is finding the best environment she can for her baby. To me, that's the best gift a birthmom can give to her child. She's the only one who can make that decision.

We like her a lot. We think she's amazing and we're praying for her that she will be guided to make the best decision for her baby.
(We are also praying that choosing us is the best decision for her baby. We admit to slanting our prayers in our favor. We're not ashamed.)

S0, now all we can do is wait. Hopefully we'll know in a week or so if we are going to be parents in December!

No Way That Just Happened

Tomorrow is the first day back to school for Carrie. Traditionally that is a pretty emotional-rollercoaster kind of day... but Carrie helps me get through it.

But seriously, since Carrie will continue working until we have a baby, every time a new school year starts, it is a reminder to both of us that another year has passed. While we are extremely grateful for the time we have together, and we don't have any regrets, certain milestones just make you wonder, "what if?"

For example, "What if our new caseworker called us tonight about meeting with a potential birthmom?"

Well, then we'd probably be really excited (while understanding that the birthmom will be meeting with other couples as well, so nothing is certain) and plan to meet the birthmom in the next few days. We'd likely be super excited about the possibility of having a Christmas baby that would likely be born around the same time as our Ethiopian baby. We'd talk about them growing together and going through high school together. How fun would that be?

No WAY that just happened.

Oh yeah, and our new caseworker's name is Deborah. She sounded really nice on the phone.

Ethiopian Adoption Time Continuum

Here is my feeble attempt to create a timeline using Paint.





We are currently where the red X is.

As you can see, we have a long way to go. Whether it's good news or not, from "Dossier to Ethiopia" to "Embassy Date" all we can do is wait. Now picture 2-3 months in between each marker. Roughly 9 months (or more).

That's right. Once our Dossier is sent we have roughly 3 or so months to get a referral, then 3 or so months (sometimes longer) to pass court. Once we pass court our child is officially ours. That must mean we can go pick them up, right? Not so fast. Now we have to get our I-600 from processed and approved and then get an Embassy date. Once we have a date set then we can plan on traveling to pick up our little one. We've been advised to book flexible tickets because Embassy dates can change.

Between "Embassy Date" and "Our little one is home!" is a month or two of frantic travel arrangements and preparations to go pick up a baby half way around the world. I won't even talk about the list of things we'll need to bring with us. I have a feeling we will be paying the fee to check extra bags on our flight...

Even though we have a long wait ahead of us, we are excited because we're almost done with the paperwork. We're almost ready to wait! Yea!

Hey, wait a minute....

Checking In

Time for an update to all our fans out there. I know you've been dying to know what we've been up to. (Humor me.) Here's a few big hurdles we've been able to jump in the past few weeks.


First hurdle:
Two or so weeks ago Zack and I finished the last training module of the class we've been taking. The last module was about 2 hours long with a multiple choice and short answer test afterwards. The previous ones were only about 30 minutes long with just a multiple choice test afterwards. We had to watch the module in a couple of increments because of our schedules. We finally got it done and took the test. The last test is hand scored and the results are sent to us via email. We got notification just a few days ago that we passed!
I won't go into everything we learned because that would take way too much time than I care to spend, but I will mention something we learned about power struggles. The first advice: Don't get into them with your kids. (Easier said than done, I know.) Secondly, if you find yourself in a power struggle, you need to win and win quickly. (Once again, easier said than done.) Third, you can't win a power struggle in the following three areas: Eating, sleeping, and potty. Just give it up. You can't MAKE your child do any of those things. (For those of you interested, you also can't make your dogs do those things either. I've tried.)

Second hurdle:
Our homestudy was finished and approved!

Third hurdle:
I sent the majority if our dossier to AAI! They received it and sent a few of the papers to Washington, D.C. (Apparently it goes to the desk of Hilary Clinton. I never would have thought that she would be involved in the making of my family.) When she sends those important papers back then the entire dossier is sent to Ethiopia. We'll be sure to announce when it's sent. That's a big milestone in the whole international adoption process.

Fourth hurdle:
We went to our local USCIS office (Immigration) to file our I-600A form and get fingerprinted. This is a form that has to be submitted and processed before our child can come into the country. As we were driving there we were asking ourselves why we have to submit this form so early in the process, even before we have a child to bring into the country. We got our answer from the nice man who took our forms. We asked him how long it takes for this form to be processed. His reply, "We're working on March right now." Really? It takes 4 months?! Ahhh, government. Efficiency at it's very worst. Can't wait for health care to be run just as efficiently...

That's all our hurdles so far. There really aren't any more. I have to mail our I-600 form, our notarized (gotta love the notarizations) homestudy, and the certificates we earned from the class we took to AAI and then we're officially done...for now. I'll write another post on just where we are in the process. This post is long enough.

What is this strange salty discharge?

A fairly catchy song by Phil Collins, in true Disney fashion.

If you feel like weeping yourself into a mushy puddle of tears, feel free to imagine yourself holding a little Ethiopian boy while you listen (instead of watching the video (the cinematography! the editing techniques! (Yes, I did use triple nested parentheses))) he he....

In case you'd rather read than listen...

Come stop your crying, it will be all right
Just take my hand, hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you
I will be here don't you cry

For one so small,you seem so strong
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm
This bond between us can't be broken
I will be here don't you cry

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always

Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but deep inside us
Were not that different at all

Don't listen to them, cause what do they know
We need each other, to have and to hold
They'll see in time, I know

The things we do for love (the things we do for love)

On Wednesday's, during the summer, Zack and I try to have lunch together. It's a nice little break in the middle of the week and it's always fun to meet Zack at work and then have lunch. This past Wednesday we spent most of our lunch hour at the credit union getting our pile of papers signed and notarized.

Here's a list of the things we were able to check off our list during the visit:
Notarized copies of our birth certificates and marriage license. (Why they can't use a certified copy is beyond my reasoning. We have to photocopy the copy and get it notarized. Ah, the power of the notarization.)
Notarized bank statement. It had to include the dates we opened our accounts. We found out that our parents opened up accounts for us exactly one week apart when we were both 9. What are the odds of that?
Notarized family letter to the government of Ethiopia.
A few notarized powers of attorney to two different people.

It sure felt good to walk out of the credit union having all of those things done. Felt so good we decided to celebrate with one or two of the 31 flavors at Baskin Robbins.

Yesterday I took a walk down to the court house to get a notarized police clearance from the Chief of Police. The entire time I was walking down there I had "The things we do for love" by 10cc in my head. Ah, the things we do for love. If anyone says it's easier to adopt because you don't have to go through the pain and sickness of being pregnant, just come talk to me. Although it took two trips to the courthouse, the ladies in the office were very accommodating and took care of everything.

Today I drove up to school to get my employment letter signed and notarized. Because school is out for the summer that means regular hours are not kept. My principal came to school, unlocked the office, printed out the letter on good ol' South Clearfield Elementary letterhead, and then drove over to his credit union to have it signed and notarized. Even when he knew that helping us adopt meant that I would quit teaching he went out of his way to help us. Now that's a nice guy. Or he's happy to finally have a reason to get rid of me. ....Hey!

AAAAAnd here's our most recent bit of information.
When we got our Dossier packet we immediately called the Dr. to set up appointments to get physicals and get our medical statements signed. The earliest appointment times they had were on the 23rd for me and the 28th for Zack. Ugh. Zack just called them and, using his superior powers of persuasion and his uncanny ability to tap into someones sympathies he was able to get my appointment cancelled (my last physical was recent enough) and his moved to this Tuesday! Woot! We are celebrating like crazy inside our heads right now!

My Fingers Must Be Broken

I have yet to type 'Ethiopia' correctly on my first try. It always comes out as Ethipa or Etipain or Ethiopa or Ethipia or Ethiopa or Ethiopia. Woo Hoo! I did it! One more thing I can check off my list.

The Latest: Part II - Dossier

The same day as the Homestudy, we received our dossier packet! Allow me to help you conjure up an image. Picture a nice navy blue AAI folder with a pretty silver logo on the front. Inside the folder, on the right side, is a stack of about 30 papers full of articles, references, and suggestions for someone adopting from Ethiopia (Hey, that's US!). It includes a culture gram, Ethiopia facts, Ethiopian names, tips, guidelines, and even information on how to estimate the unknown age of child. To quote Ross and Elaine's neighbor, "We're going to have his birthday be in September". I never knew planned parenthood could be retroactive!
On the left side of the folder is another stack of documents that is much more menacing, because instead of being helpful, it is a bunch of sample documents that we need to fill out, acquire, or otherwise create. Here's the list:
Dossier Cover Document, Notarized Homestudy, notarized birth certificates and marriage certificate, notarized police clearances, notarized medical statements, notarized bank statements, notarized copy of most recent tax return, notarized employment letters, notarized family letter to Ethiopia government, notarized reference letters (get ready for round three references!), two different notarized power of Attorneys, I-600 Petition, I-600A Application, Post Placement agreement, Passport photos, Statement of Understanding, Basic Information Sheet (because apparently all of the previously collected detailed information isn't enough), and, of course, as our reward for putting all of this together we get to enclose another $2000 check for the translation and processing of the dossier.
I. Am. So... Excited... in an I-am-so-overwhelmed kind of way. I don't even think they should bother asking us why we want to be parents. Anyone willing to go through this process clearly isn't thinking straight anyways.
To top it all off, I'm a skeptic who doesn't like to give anyone ANY information about me. If you call me and I don't recognize who you are, you can't even get me to tell you my name. Those annoying stores that ask for your phone number when you purchase something have my phone number listed as "No, Thanks". And I'm supposed to PAY to give all of this information...willingly, when I know that people have been ripped off in the past and this is enough information to do bad things with? Hmmmm. Time for a bit more research, just to put my mind at ease.
All of that said; if I had to give my baby to someone from another country, and I wanted to know as well as I could that the family would be able to care for ALL of my baby's needs, my list would likely be longer and even more invasive. sigh.
Well, here we go!

The Latest: Part I - International Homestudy

Suzanne from Families for Children came to our house on Thursday afternoon. She was very kind, very complimentary, and very knowledgeable about things we want to know. I briefly considered quitting ITI and working at home on an osmosis machine that sucks selected information from one brain and, with the flip of a switch, injects it into another brain. In the end I decided it would be more prudent, and arguably more realistic, to just listen and ask appropriate questions. I mean, we're talking about a lady who has adopted 11 children, 9 of which (yes, NINE) are from Africa. This lady could do corn rows in her SLEEP!
Unfortunately, the purpose of the visit was for her to ask Carrie and I a lot of questions, so we'll have to find another time to test out the osmosuk knowledge pump (patent pending).
She started out by asking me a lot of questions. I did my best to stick to pertinent information that would be useful to her, but of course, I couldn't help embellishing from time to time. We covered childhood memories ranging from catching horny toads and polliwogs to being baptized by my black muscleman primary teacher. We talked about education and work history, hobbies and sports, my Mom, my Dad, my reasons for wanting to BE a Dad, and my favorite topic; Carrie. How did we meet, what things have we done together, what are OUR hobbies. By the end of that discussion I think she really wanted to meet Nate since so many of our stories involved him. When we added that Nate not only introduced us, but that he was one of our references, she just thought he must be a terrific guy, which i guess is a fairly accurate statement ;o)
Then she turned her attention to Carrie and asked her a bunch of questions. That didn't keep me from embellishing though :o) Suzanne was very impressed with Carrie. She loved that Carrie has taught 1st graders for 9 years at a Title 1 School. She loved that Carrie knew all about correct discipline techniques and how to deal with difficult children, yet humbly recognized that being a teacher, while forming a great foundation, isn't the same as being a parent. She thought it was so neat that Carrie played clarinet in the school band. Apparently we'd be amazed by the number of adoptive parents who are either engineers, or who played in the school band. I'm not sure what that means. Good thing I believe in God, or I'd think Natural Selection was trying to rid our society of Nerds and Geeks ('shudder'). I wish she would have asked Carrie why she wanted to be a Mom, but I think she already knew the answer. Carrie oozes motherhood. On paper, in practice, and by design Carrie is meant for motherhood. I think Suzanne just looked into Carrie's eyes and knew. Uh-oh, maybe she already owns an osmusuk...
The meeting ended with reminders about the next steps and some advice about how to get the items done efficiently. We gave her a brief tour of the house and sent her on her way. It was a good meeting and marks one more thing we can check off of our list :o)

Paperwork, Certificates, Interviews, and Classes (I refuse to add "Oh my!" to the end of this)

Here's an update as to where we're at this moment.

Paperwork: We have completed all the paperwork required thus far from AAI. We're now waiting for our Dossier paperwork to arrive. I have no idea what it is, but they told us to be expecting it. We'll all learn what it is together!

I heard that we need certified copies of our marriage license and birth certificates for the Dossier so I went ahead and got them. (4 copies of each, to be exact. They don't require 4 copies, but I don't want to have to get more copies in the future.) We had to send a letter to Wyoming to get Zack's birth certificates and they should be coming sometime this week. For mine, all I had to do was drive up to the court house in Farmington to get them. That's also where I got copies of our marriage certificate. I was glad I went on the last day of June because prices went up on July 1st. It totally saved us $12!! (On a side note, I renewed my passport and it arrived in the mail last week. I'm totally approved to jet out of the country!)

This Thursday we meet with Suzanne over at Families for Children. She's doing our international homestudy. She'll be coming to our house on Thursday afternoon to interview us and to inspect our house so you can pretty much guess what I'll be doing for the next 3 days. That's right. Cleaning. Nothing like a shot of motivation to help you finally get rid of the pile of stuff that's been sitting in your hallway for the past month! (And, Allie, I'm going to wish I had your foam pieces again.)
In the next month we're expecting to have to go somewhere to get fingerprinted and also go to the doctor for physicals. Other than that, the future is kind of hazy. Hopefully we'll have more direction once the dossier packet arrives.

While we're waiting on paperwork we're also taking an online class that is required by AAI. They give you 3 options for classes. We chose to take the class entitled "Because They Waited: A guide to adopting older infants and children." The class consists of a set of 4 DVDs and a supplemental study guide or what we like to call a "workbook". The class is divided up into 4 modules. You basically watch the DVD on that module (which is basically a lecture), using the workbook to fill in answers and such, and then you go online and take a test for that module.
4 modules=4 lectures= 4 tests.
We did the first module yesterday after church. Despite the fact that Zack wanted to shout "Amen!" and "Hallelujah" several times during the presenter's lecture (she was quite dramatic), it was a really good class.
I won't give you all the boring details because that would take a long time, plus I just don't want to write it all down, but I will list a few useful things we learned.
(A lot of this stuff is scientific, so brace yourselves.)

1. A lot of advice from people with biological children doesn't apply to people with adopted children or older infants. (Note: they didn't say ALL advice, just a lot...)
2. Babies are born with all of the brain cells they will have. Most of these cells are connected, except for in one area of the brain. These brain cells become connected through experiences a child has. We call these connections "brain building experiences".
3. Brain building experiences occur through sensory input and emotional components. In layman's terms, they happen when you combine sight, touch, taste, smell, sound, or movement with an emotion (joy, anger, fear, happiness, etc.).
4. Sensory rich and emotionally nurturing experiences build healthy, good connections in the brain. Sensory lacking and emotionally negative experiences build unhealthy connections.
5. The development of the brain:
Brain stem: Develops pre-natally to birth. Controls heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, and temperature.
Midbrain: Develops from birth to about 1 month. Controls appetite and sleep.
Limbic: Develops from 1 month to about 18-24 months. It's the seat of emotion, impulse and affect regulation.
Cortex: Develops from about 2 years to 5 years of age. Controls abstract thought, logic, planning, and cognition.
6. The most important thing for us to know about how the brain develops is that what happens in the early stages has an impact on the latter stages.

So.
After we learn about all of this we then get to apply it to parenting.

When you adopt an older infant you don't have any control over what happens to them during the early stages of their brain development. This means that any negative effects that occurred in the early stages of their life will eventually show up in the latter stages of life. The good news is there are things we can do to prevent or help eliminate this.

Our brains can be re-wired through repetitive, positive, sensory rich and emotionally nourishing experiences. The more you do something the more it is ingrained in your brain. The brain also does something called "pruning" at around age 5 and 12 where it prunes away the weak and less deeply ingrained connections in the brain.
Also, up until age 3 the brain has a "window of opportunity" where it is more open to change.

What does this mean for us?
Well, it means we need to provide as many sensory rich and emotionally nurturing experiences for our child as we can so as to create or reinforce good wiring.

The best way to do this is to have the primary caregiver (the one who spends the most waking hours with the child) capitalize on everyday life to create sensory rich, emotionally nurturing experiences. This can only be done when the parent is THERE. Giving a child an educational toy and then leaving them alone will not do the trick. Sending the child to a great class and then picking them up when it's over won't work either. The key to making any experience a positive brain-building one is that is must be parent inclusive.

Here are a few sensory rich, emotionally nurturing experiences.
-Instead of giving your child a toy and letting them play by themselves, you play with them.
-Classes that involve the parents as well as the infants (mommy and baby music classes, daddy and baby swim classes, etc.)
-Wrestling and tickling
-Holding, singing, rocking and talking to the baby while feeding. They also say for us to hold the bottle even if the baby has been taught to hold it themselves or can take a bottle that is propped up.
-Playing together in the mud.
-Massage
-Showering together (I still don't know how people can shower with their baby. How do you not drop them?)
-Basically any positive thing that involves using the senses and mommy and daddy.

What I'm getting out of all of this is that is looks like I'm not going to have a lot of "Me-time" once our baby comes. I know that's true with every baby, but it will be even more true with ours because we'll be working on re-wiring their brain instead of just wiring it like most people do.

After Zack and I took the class (watched the DVD and filled out the workbook) we went online and took the test. We both scored a sweet 100%. We're totally 1/4 of the way qualified to parent our baby. Woot!

A Quick, Public Thank-you to My Wonderful Wife

You've spent virtually the entire month of June getting paperwork together, interfacing with our newest adoption agency, organizing everything for our international home study, and everything else to make sure the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed. But even more importantly to me, you've been getting and reading books about Ethiopia's history, about the situation of the children there, and even getting children's books for our future little one. You've thought of how to decorate the nursery, how to help the baby feel comfortable in a new place with new people, and how to embrace Ethiopian culture as part of our family. You've searched for local groups that we and our child can be a part of to learn and grow, and you're excited to go to an Ethiopian restaurant next week to try the food. Your excitement for, and dedication to, international adoption mean so much to me :o)

Today's Class

Well, the day of our latest class arrived. We're done taking the classes we HAVE to take, and are now taking whatever classes they'll let us take (especially the ones with free snacks, lunch, and helpful information!). Today's topic from 9am to 4pm; Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.

First off, some facts I thought were interesting.
1. Around 10% of children exposed to alcohol prenatally develop the full blown Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). The rest have varying levels of the same challenges known as Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD).
2. There is a "look" that FAS children have, like, but not similar, to the "look" down syndrome individuals have.
3. Some of the strengths FAS and FASD children have are a significant portion of the kindergarten curriculum, so alot of kids don't get diagnosed and therefore don't get the accommodations that would help them.
4. Alcohol affects the brain (in an adult as well as a fetus).
5. FAS(D) kids mature at an average rate of 1 year every two years, so even if they would be able to move out and take care of themselves for the most part, it may not happen until their late 30s.
6. Time outs used to be given to kids to give them time to regain control of themselves, NOT as a punishment in and of itself. We should focus more on teaching, and less on "discipline".
If you want to learn more, feel free to search the web, or let us know and we'll share anything we have.

Now, a fact that really frustrates me.
1. FAS and FASD are 100% preventable. All You have to do is be a pregnant lady, and not drink alcohol while you're pregnant. i.e., Don't force deadly chemicals down your baby's gullet before they have a working liver (or EVER) and make them swim around in alcoholic amniotic fluid. Just DON'T!

The class was incredibly informative. The keynote speaker was a lady from Washington who has 8 kids at home (6 others that have moved out) and all but like three of them have FAS or FASD, so uh, she had a little bit of info to share... There was also a Panel with representatives from 5 different organizations devoted to mental illnesses and doing whatever they can to help families, children and adults with mental illnesses. Honestly, it restored some faith in humanity and even government. There are so many people out there that we've met in a variety of forums that devote their lives to helping people, and a lot of it can only happen as a result of your tax dollars at work.

I know how smart Carrie is and how good she is with kids, but I just want to mention here that I was amazed at how much of the material shared today was stuff she already knew. The speaker would share some technique for helping kids learn even if they have difficulties, and without fail, it would be something I've seen Carrie do with her class before. No matter how inadequate I feel at times, I gain confidence just knowing that she's there. As an interesting side note, a lot of the characteristics of FAS kids are characteristics of virtually every 1st grader on the planet, so Carrie has 9 years of experience dealing with all of that :o)

Lastly, here are some thoughts Carrie and I had as we discussed the material from the class.
1. We all need accommodations. We all have weaknesses and we take steps to hedge ourselves against those weaknesses. Some people just need more accommodations than others. The important thing, whether you have a child with mental illness or not, is to do what it takes to help them learn and gain confidence. Carrie knows I tend to understand a concept better if it has some reference to sports or tools or projects, so here's how she explained it to me. Imagine one boy who's born and in his tool belt he has all of the tools necessary to be an electrician. Another boy is born with the tools to do sheetrock. You shouldn't put the first boy into a room and expect him to be able to sheetrock a room as well as the second unless you give him a trowel. I can't remember things nearly as well as Carrie, so I have a little electronic device that I use to help myself remember. That's one of MY accommodations. What's in YOUR tool belt?
2. Accommodations given to children with mental challenges are often unfairly viewed as pandering, while accommodations to people with physical challenges are not. Imagine how ludicrous it would be to tell someone who's blind that they don't REALLY need Braille in order to read. They just need to try harder! Yet that is what is often done to individuals with mental illness simply because it isn't obvious.
3. We all have a road map that tells us how to raise kids. Carrie's Mom had a map that told her that certain behavior required a right turn to correct. That worked great! and then came along Mikey :o) She turned right and it was a disaster! The speaker said that raising a child with FASD is like trying to get around Seattle with a map of San Francisco. All parents, no matter who their kids are or what challenges they face, should consider tweaking their map to the learning styles of their kids, rather than forcing the child to operate under your paradigm (Somebody please remind me of this in a few years when I'm butting heads with my kid)
4. Lastly, a quote from the speaker. Don't try harder, just try different. A lot of parents feel like they are bad parents, when they are not, or feel like the kids must be bad, when they are not. Maybe you just need to try thinking of a different way to do things. Elaine did that with Mike, and together they were able to make a pretty good guy. In other words, seek for an appropriate response, rather than an inappropriate reaction.
5. We love how learning one thing can create a wagon wheel of thoughts that spoke out in all sorts of directions and help you in so many other aspects of your life. Learning about parenting is fun :o)

Uhm. The End.

The Last Clue

For those of you who haven't figured out which country our little one is coming from, here's a few more hints.

I've been on Amazon a lot the past few days and here are a few of my purchases:

There's nothing like a good children's book to help you feel connected to the world and to teach you about, well, anything you want to learn.

We Have Chosen

We've known what country we are going to adopt from for a few days now. In fact, we already have batches of paperwork done for our International Homestudy (because we are homestudy KINGS!) and we are awaiting the batches of paperwork from our adoption agency. We love paperwork!

We're already dreaming about how this new little person will fit into our family. Our family is unique in that we've never been able to have a real family picture of sorts. So we settled for something else. We have a picture of a flower to represent each family member. I'm a red rose, as per Zack's request. Zack's a sunflower because, well, do you KNOW Zack? And Joshua is a white daisy. We're not sure why, but we both thought he was a daisy independent of each other.

Our family portrait currently looks like this.

We've had these pictures up for almost 5 years now, but the lettering was a recent addition this past winter. Just for fun, here's a picture of Zack adding the lettering.

Don't worry. I was ready to call 911 if he fell down the stairs.

Every new addition to the family gets their own picture on the wall and, if possible, their flower planted in the yard somewhere. (Which reminds me we still don't have sunflowers out there. This needs to be remedied.)

For our newest addition, we've chosen this flower:

If you're still unsure as to which country we've chosen, tune in tomorrow when I'll probably add another hint.

Countries to Consider

It's fun to hear all your comments about which countries to adopt from. Keeeep 'em comin'.

Since I'm currently filling my brain with all sorts of information about adoption from different countries, I've decided to spill my brain into this blog for everyone to read! I'm going to focus on children's ages and the wait-time for children because those issues are big deals for us. Since we have no parenting experience we are kind of terrified to adopt a child older than, say, 2 years old. And even 2 years old is kind of pushing it. Also, we don't want to wait for 5 years to adopt a child. We need to get this family started, right? We need to get this family started quickly, right?!

Let's go in alphabetical order, shall we?

China
From what we've learned, there are a lot of girls that need adopting in China. Many of the boys that need adopting have special needs. They range in age from 6 months to 14 years. That said, the wait time for an adoption in China is 3 to 5 years. Um. That's a really really long time.

Ethiopia
The ages of children who need adopting from Ethiopia range from 4 months to 15 years. It takes about 1-10 months to be matched with an infant or child. It takes 10-24 months if you want to be matched with siblings ages 0-6 years old. You wait 2-3 months from being matched to traveling. There are a lot of children, young and older, who need adopting. Travel takes about 7 days.

Guatemala
This country seems harder to adopt from than others. Some agencies aren't allowing applicants for it anymore. So we don't have a lot of info on it, which is too bad, because we are totally not scared of traveling to Guatemala!

Korea
Korea has mostly infants, 6 months and older who need adopting. You can only request a girl if your family has only sons. It takes 14-17 months to be matched with a child, but longer if you are requesting a girl. It takes 3-6 months from being matched to be able to travel and pick up your child. Travel takes about 3 days or you could have your child escorted to the US.

Peru
This country would be totally awesome because we already have connections there! However, from what we could find, you can only adopt kids ages 4 and up. And you have to stay in the country for about 30 days when you pick them up. Thaaat's a long time.

Russia
Russia has children ages 10 months to 15 years who need adopting. They have a policy where the kids have to be older than 9 months before they can be considered for international adoption. It takes 1-10 months to be matched with a child, and up to 14 months if you request a girl. (Again with the girls!) You have to make 2 trips to Russia. The first one is about 1 week where you can meet your child. The second trip is about 3 weeks long.
*I was told by one agency that there is a lot of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome in Russia, but Russia doesn't really accept that as a disease so they don't mention it in medical information. So it's good to be aware of that possibility.*

Thailand
Thailand has children ages 15 months t0 15 years who need adopting. It takes 12-36 months to be matched with a young, healthy child. Then it takes 2-6 months from matched to travel. Travel is about 10-12 days.

Ukraine
Ukraine is very similar to Russia in it's ages of the children, gender, and travel time.

We didn't even mention Kazakhstan because you are required to make one long trip (12-16 weeks) or two or three shorter trips to adopt. You don't have to ask my dad to know that traveling to Kazakhstan takes a looong time and is super expensive.

So, is your head spinning now, too? Join the club.
We have our eye on a country or two. Can you guess which ones? (*Hint: We only like countries with cute kids.)

Curiosity Quencher

So, assuming similar financial requirements, and leaving aside any age or gender considerations, if you had to choose only one of the following countries from which to adopt a child into your family (or ours, you pick), which would you choose, and why? Feel free to be candid. Your answer isn't judged on political correctness.

China, Ethiopia, Guatemala, Korea, Peru, Russia, Thailand, or Ukraine

International Adoption

Before I get into this next post on what is currently our adoption adventure, I'd like to say thanks to all of you who support us by reading our blog (and writing comments!) and following along with us on our adoption journey. It's nice to know we have cheerleaders cheering us on from the sidelines. So, thanks!

Two Thursdays ago I attended an Adoption Alternatives class that LDS Family Services puts on about once a month. Each month they focus on something different. This month it was on International Adoption. The class we last attended was on Foster Parenting. We haven't attended one since, but when we got the email for the one in May we both felt like we should go. Zack was going to be flying home from Maryland about the same time the class was going to start so we decided he would have his co-worker drive him home and I would attend the class.

The class was taught by a lady named Kelly who has adopted 6 children internationally. She had a lot of good information on a topic that we had initially thought was out of our reach. I haven't given international adoption much thought because I assumed the paperwork was horrific and the costs were huge. Kelly made it actually seem reasonable.
Not only did she make us aware of international adoption itself, but she also enlightened us on another aspect of international adoption that we hadn't considered: Special needs international adoption.
Special Needs basically means a child who is hard to place, whether it be because of race, age, mental or physical handicaps. A lot of kids are considered "special needs" merely because they are over the age of 3 or who are born with a physical ailment like a cleft palate or cleft lip.
Kelly showed us how we could adopt a special needs child and receive grants to help cover some of the costs.
So, we've been spending a lot of our time researching agencies and learning more about this process. International adoption is now in our range of possibilities.

Holt International, WACAP and Adoption Advocates are the agencies she highly recommends if you want to consider an international adoption or a special needs international adoption.

My plan

Sometimes I feel like my life has been stretched out. What should have only lasted a few months suddenly stretched out into years. What should have only lasted a few years is somehow stretched into a decade. My single years (once I graduated high school) were stretched into a comfortable 6 years. My teaching years have now grown to 9. And my and Zack's DINK years (Double Income No Kids) are stretching farther than we ever thought they would. I'm 31 and I feel like I'm really 24 or 25. My life really hasn't gone as I planned it. And I'm really glad about that. My life is way better than I planned.

When my parents got married, way back when, they didn't waste any time having kids. Jeff was born a short 11 months after they were married. I remember my mom once saying that she had a strong impression to hurry and have kids. Like Jeff was supposed to be born at that time and she had to hurry to make that happen. Her explanation at the time was that he probably knew Hannah and Heather were already there or on their way and he needed to be part of that cousins group. I have no doubt that was part of it. And there was so much more. It was all part of Jeff's plan. It was my mom's plan and my dad's plan, but most importantly, it was Jeff's plan.

When I think about my own kids I tend to think about it as MY plan. When will MY time to have kids come? What will MY timeline be for children? But really, it's not just my plan. It's my child's plan. Who am I to decide when they come? It's my plan, but it's also their plan. We're woven together. We're intertwined, this child, Zack and I. The threads will weave when the time is right.

The other night I started thinking about what would happen if we were to suddenly find ourselves pregnant. Instead of being excited, surprisingly my first thought was disappointment. Adoption has expanded my view. My perspective has changed. My heart has been growing to make room for more than our child. It was going to include the birth family. People I hoped to love and know very well. People I feel are already part of my life. People I pray for often. The thought of finding out I was pregnant meant taking all that love away. My family instantly shrunk. My perspective shortened. My life grew smaller and contained only a few people. It was, well, a disappointing thought.*

My plan has grown to include not just Zack, me and child. It also includes our birth parents. They have a plan, too. Their plan will be just as intimately intertwined with the life of this child as mine and Zack's thread will be. Someday the day will come when all of us will come together and what were once separate threads will now be woven into a strong chord of love. Whether their threads will show for a time and then seemingly disappear, becoming invisible but still there, or whether they will bring color and joy into our lives forever is up to them. (I'm hoping for the latter.) When my family grows it will not grow by one anymore. And somehow that seems more normal and wonderful to me than having our family the "normal" way.

*Please do not think, for an instant, that I would be sad to find myself pregnant. I would just have to change my perspective a bit. But I would be very happy.

Dear Journal,

Yesterday we got an e-mail about an all day class for families with a child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. We signed up. It'll be a great learning opportunity, and I'll take all the training I can get!

Interesting day today. Carrie's school had kindergarten orientation today and we realized that Joshua would be getting ready for kindergarten! I forget that he'd be in the same grade as Kalli and Emma! Craziness. I'm too young and inexperienced for a kindergartner! If I had a 5 year old, I'd hope to be as good of a Dad as Mike and Doug though.

Found out that the birthmother from the Burgi lead decided to keep her baby. I was pleased that I felt happy for her and her baby. Every situation is so different, so I aspire to be like the counselors at LDSFS, and recognize that there is no absolute right decision. All they try to do is give the birthmother as much information as possible about each of the possible decisions, so the birthmother can make the best choice for her baby. Education and Agency, what a great method. Anyway, I wish her the very best.

We stopped by Carrie's parent's house tonight to say hi. Carrie's Mom is an incredible caretaker for Lucille, Carrie's Grandma, who has had dementia for some time now. Since Elaine was starting to get Lucille ready for bed, Carrie decided that she should know how, just in case the need arose in the future. So I was just thinking about those three great women in there. Lucille is a great artist (we have a couple of her painting in our house) who clung to the gospel for support throughout her life. Even now, the most comforting thing she can do to pass the time is watch conference on TV. It soothes her spirit. Elaine is amazing in so many ways. She is creative and artistic and has a great ability to teach others all that she knows about so many things. She is caring and very cognisant of others needs. I couldn't ask for a better mother in law. And then there is Carrie. Don't even get me started :o) Suffice it to say right now, that Carrie continues a great legacy of strong, loving, faithful women. Her desire to serve others drives her to want to know all she can so she can help at the drop of a hat if necessary. I can't help but be excited to meet the next in this line of women. What an honor it will be to meet her and learn from her. I enjoy picturing my very own daughter in there with three generation of experience and faith and love, teaching and growing and helping each other. I can't wait!

The Walls Have Ears

Today at lunch I decided to sit at the a table in the lunchroom and quickly eat instead of eating while I work. Shortly after sitting down a group of people came in to the lunchroom and started chatting while they heated up their lunch. Part of the conversation went like this:

Girl #1: How's your new baby?
Girl #2: She's hard and fun at the same time. Here's a picture!
Boy: She's so cute!
Girl #2: Thanks. Guess what? The other day I saw a baby in the store and I said, "that baby is so cute", and a lady nearby said, "yeah, but not all babies are cute". Can you believe it?
Girl #1: No WAY! What is her problem? Even if babies aren't cute you don't SAY they aren't cute.
Girl #2: Yeah, I don't get what her problem was.
Boy: She probably has a hard time conceiving or something.
All: Ha Ha Ha!!
Zack: (Happy 3-month-anniversary-of-being-approved-for-adoption-and-just-over-5-year-anniversary-of-losing-our-baby-boy to meeeeeeee....next time, I'm just going back to my "desk" to eat my lunch.)

Actually, my mind was filled with much less self-pity, and a 'PINCH' more ire, but by the time I finished my yogurt, I just felt sad wondering how many times I've said something incredibly insensitive without being aware. You just never know who might be listening, or what experiences those around you have had to go through. So I'm going to try to be more uplifting in my speech, and to any of you who I've unknowingly offended, please accept my sincere apology.

To those of you who I've knowingly offended, it means I think you are cool enough to tease...but I'll try to tone that down as well :o)

"Thanks" & "Sure!"

Something that we realized very strongly when we lost Joshua was the importance of friends and family in our lives. All they had to do was tell us they cared, and it had a strange effect; It made us feel better. It has also helped us to know that so many of you care about this adoption process. You ask us what's going on, or if we've heard anything, and even if we are telling you the same thing we've told 20 other people, it makes us feel good to know you are thinking of us.

This weekend we realized that you may be able to do even more.

We've always known that we aren't very good salespeople, especially when it comes to selling ourselves. When we'd look at adoptive couple's profiles there would invariably be a large percentage that started with something like, "Pick us! Pick US!!!", or "At last you've found us! We're the ones for your baby!". Every couple has a different personality that is just right for some baby, but that just isn't our style. We're more reserved. We figure that we may miss out on some interest, but our personalities will be just right for "the one". As a result we haven't paid much attention to advise on networking. It just feels weird to plaster yourselves on a billboard with a list of claims about how wonderful you are, or to hand out "We want your baby" business cards. No thanks.

However...

Due to our excellent March Madness picks, we won a dinner at Nate and Kellie's, which they provided last night. It was a great night. FanTAStic food, delectable dessert, and charismatic company. As we chatted the night away with our great friends and played games, we talked a lot about kids (they have an adorable two month old, and of course, adoption). They expressed a desire to do whatever they could and asked if they could tell people about us. "Sure.", we said, "you never know how it'll work out".

Fast-forward about, oh, 14 hours.

We came home from church to a message from Kellie. She told so-and-so about us, and so-and-so knew so-and-so who is planning on placing her baby for adoption. We know not to get OVERly excited (we had a similar thing happen with a friend who lives in another state a few months ago) so we'll warn you about the same, BUT it is very exciting just to know there's a chance that someone who may have never seen our profile, will take a look, and give the Spirit a chance to whisper "Pick them! Pick THEM! At last you've found them. They're the ones for your baby".

Sooooooo, Sure. If you think you could give us a good recommendation, and you feel so inclined, spread the word. You never know. Have them check out our blogs or our profile or we can give you our adoption contact info. All we ask is that you don't pressure the birthmother. She has the biggest decision of her life to make, and doesn't need any additional stress. If she ends up being OUR birthmother, then we're already fiercely protective...so take it easy on her, GOT IT! ;o)

Oh, and Nate & Kellie, even if this contact doesn't work out. Thanks. And if it happens to work out, and you guys end up being able to take credit for introducing us to each other AND to introducing us to our baby, well... I told Nate he should apply for the job he has now, so, that makes us even...right? :o)

Also, thanks to those of you who are already keeping your ears open, just in case. And I'll also take this opportunity to thank our friend who understandably wishes to remain anonymous, for her work a few months ago.

You guys are the greatest bunch we could hope for...Awwwwwwww :o)

The NEW New Perspective

Did we call it a burden? Wait a minute here…

I know that there are so many blessings from having kids. Learning and growth and joys that can’t be had any other way, but, as I heard someone say recently, being a parent is a huge sacrifice as well. So explain to me again why NOT being able to sacrifice is such a trial. Hmmm?

I understand that we are probably going through some previously documented series of emotions, notwithstanding, I currently feel happy to just be with Carrie. We’ve had a really enjoyable week together, starting with Carrie’s birthday. I’ve been going in to work really early, so we’ve been able to have our evenings together all week, and we’ve had a blast. Last night we even spent an hour at the grocery store. It was terribly inefficient shopping, but we were both in good moods and we were just talking the whole time and enjoying the time we have together. No kids to keep track of, no babysitters to pay, just the two of us.

Kids will come at some point, and I’m sure we’ll go through another round of “Why does it have to be so hard”, but until then (and even after), I’m just going to be grateful that I married my best friend, and that after over 6.5 years of being married and 8.5 years of being together, I still can’t get enough of my sweetheart.

Lifting the Burden

Waiting for adoption is hard. You basically have no control over it. Once you've done the paperwork, completed the classes, and submitted your letter and collage all you can do is wait.

And like I just said, waiting is hard.

You're always thinking and hoping and wondering about your birthmom and your baby. When will it happen? What is she going through right now? Will we have our baby by Christmas? Will I finish teaching this year? Will I be teaching for another 2 years? Should I buy diapers right now? What about curtains? I don't have curtains for the nursery yet. What about school? What if we adopt before the school year ends? What will my class do? Who will teach them? Can I get everything finished in time? What if nothing happens and we're still waiting like this next year? Has anyone looked at our profile recently? Who's looking at it? What do they think? Why aren't more people looking at it? Has our caseworker given our profile to anyone to look at yet? Am I prepared to have a baby? Am I prepared to teach for another undetermined amount of years?

Lots and lots of questions. Lots and lots of worries. Lots and lots of hoping. Lots and lots of disappointment. Lots and lots of anxiety.

It's too stressful for me. I can't sit on the edge of my seat hoping and waiting like that. It takes too much energy and I can't focus on anything. But I can't not sit on the edge of my seat hoping and waiting. I can't ignore it. If I stop thinking about it then I might not be prepared for when it happens. And I have to be prepared. I'm worried that if I stop dwelling on it I won't be ready for it. We've been to Babies R Us so many times in the past 2 months. We have every item needed to create baby-happiness known to man. (Except a swing and a baby monitor, and believe me, I've lost sleep over the fact that we are swing-less.) We are basically as physically, spiritually, and emotionally prepared as we can be for this baby. We really can't do any more.

So last week I went to the Lord in prayer and did what I seem to have a hard time doing. I did what I should probably do more often in my life. I gave him the burden. I basically said, "I cannot live like this anymore. I can't keep hoping every day that the phone will ring with good news. I can't check my email every day hoping there's an email from a birthmother. I just can't. So, here's my burden of hope. Take it and carry it for me. Just promise me that when the time comes for our baby to come that I will be ready."

And since then I've felt peace. I'm not worried about anything. Giving Him my burden has freed me to enjoy life again. I'm no longer anxious about whether or not I'll be teaching or taking care of a baby next month. Instead I'm thinking about what I'm going to plant in the garden and wondering whether or not we'll be able to keep our lawn from dieing again this summer. You know, the fun stuff in life.

This past week while I was contemplating this little miracle of peace in my life the phrase from a hymn came to my mind. "I'll cast my burden on the Lord and trust his constant care." I looked up all the words to that hymn aaaand they all pretty much describe how I've been feeling.

How Gentle God's Commands

"How gentle God's commands!
How kind his precepts are!
Come, cast your burdens on the Lord
And trust his constant care.

Beneath his watchful eye,
His Saints securely dwell;
That hand which bears all nature up
Shall guard his children well.

Why should this anxious load
Press down your weary mind?
Haste to your Heav'nly Father's throne
And sweet refreshment find.

His goodness stands approved,
Unchanged from day to day;
I'll drop my burden at his feet
And bear a song away."

I don't think I've ever really known what it felt like to drop my burden at his feet until now. I know he's helped with my burdens before, especially with Joshua and Jeff, but I've never asked him to take the whole thing away. It feels good. I feel like I'm wrapped in a warm comforter all the time. And everything is brighter. And I'm free to be happy. It's a very good feeling. Sweet refreshment indeed.