Lifting the Burden

Waiting for adoption is hard. You basically have no control over it. Once you've done the paperwork, completed the classes, and submitted your letter and collage all you can do is wait.

And like I just said, waiting is hard.

You're always thinking and hoping and wondering about your birthmom and your baby. When will it happen? What is she going through right now? Will we have our baby by Christmas? Will I finish teaching this year? Will I be teaching for another 2 years? Should I buy diapers right now? What about curtains? I don't have curtains for the nursery yet. What about school? What if we adopt before the school year ends? What will my class do? Who will teach them? Can I get everything finished in time? What if nothing happens and we're still waiting like this next year? Has anyone looked at our profile recently? Who's looking at it? What do they think? Why aren't more people looking at it? Has our caseworker given our profile to anyone to look at yet? Am I prepared to have a baby? Am I prepared to teach for another undetermined amount of years?

Lots and lots of questions. Lots and lots of worries. Lots and lots of hoping. Lots and lots of disappointment. Lots and lots of anxiety.

It's too stressful for me. I can't sit on the edge of my seat hoping and waiting like that. It takes too much energy and I can't focus on anything. But I can't not sit on the edge of my seat hoping and waiting. I can't ignore it. If I stop thinking about it then I might not be prepared for when it happens. And I have to be prepared. I'm worried that if I stop dwelling on it I won't be ready for it. We've been to Babies R Us so many times in the past 2 months. We have every item needed to create baby-happiness known to man. (Except a swing and a baby monitor, and believe me, I've lost sleep over the fact that we are swing-less.) We are basically as physically, spiritually, and emotionally prepared as we can be for this baby. We really can't do any more.

So last week I went to the Lord in prayer and did what I seem to have a hard time doing. I did what I should probably do more often in my life. I gave him the burden. I basically said, "I cannot live like this anymore. I can't keep hoping every day that the phone will ring with good news. I can't check my email every day hoping there's an email from a birthmother. I just can't. So, here's my burden of hope. Take it and carry it for me. Just promise me that when the time comes for our baby to come that I will be ready."

And since then I've felt peace. I'm not worried about anything. Giving Him my burden has freed me to enjoy life again. I'm no longer anxious about whether or not I'll be teaching or taking care of a baby next month. Instead I'm thinking about what I'm going to plant in the garden and wondering whether or not we'll be able to keep our lawn from dieing again this summer. You know, the fun stuff in life.

This past week while I was contemplating this little miracle of peace in my life the phrase from a hymn came to my mind. "I'll cast my burden on the Lord and trust his constant care." I looked up all the words to that hymn aaaand they all pretty much describe how I've been feeling.

How Gentle God's Commands

"How gentle God's commands!
How kind his precepts are!
Come, cast your burdens on the Lord
And trust his constant care.

Beneath his watchful eye,
His Saints securely dwell;
That hand which bears all nature up
Shall guard his children well.

Why should this anxious load
Press down your weary mind?
Haste to your Heav'nly Father's throne
And sweet refreshment find.

His goodness stands approved,
Unchanged from day to day;
I'll drop my burden at his feet
And bear a song away."

I don't think I've ever really known what it felt like to drop my burden at his feet until now. I know he's helped with my burdens before, especially with Joshua and Jeff, but I've never asked him to take the whole thing away. It feels good. I feel like I'm wrapped in a warm comforter all the time. And everything is brighter. And I'm free to be happy. It's a very good feeling. Sweet refreshment indeed.