Lifting the Burden

Waiting for adoption is hard. You basically have no control over it. Once you've done the paperwork, completed the classes, and submitted your letter and collage all you can do is wait.

And like I just said, waiting is hard.

You're always thinking and hoping and wondering about your birthmom and your baby. When will it happen? What is she going through right now? Will we have our baby by Christmas? Will I finish teaching this year? Will I be teaching for another 2 years? Should I buy diapers right now? What about curtains? I don't have curtains for the nursery yet. What about school? What if we adopt before the school year ends? What will my class do? Who will teach them? Can I get everything finished in time? What if nothing happens and we're still waiting like this next year? Has anyone looked at our profile recently? Who's looking at it? What do they think? Why aren't more people looking at it? Has our caseworker given our profile to anyone to look at yet? Am I prepared to have a baby? Am I prepared to teach for another undetermined amount of years?

Lots and lots of questions. Lots and lots of worries. Lots and lots of hoping. Lots and lots of disappointment. Lots and lots of anxiety.

It's too stressful for me. I can't sit on the edge of my seat hoping and waiting like that. It takes too much energy and I can't focus on anything. But I can't not sit on the edge of my seat hoping and waiting. I can't ignore it. If I stop thinking about it then I might not be prepared for when it happens. And I have to be prepared. I'm worried that if I stop dwelling on it I won't be ready for it. We've been to Babies R Us so many times in the past 2 months. We have every item needed to create baby-happiness known to man. (Except a swing and a baby monitor, and believe me, I've lost sleep over the fact that we are swing-less.) We are basically as physically, spiritually, and emotionally prepared as we can be for this baby. We really can't do any more.

So last week I went to the Lord in prayer and did what I seem to have a hard time doing. I did what I should probably do more often in my life. I gave him the burden. I basically said, "I cannot live like this anymore. I can't keep hoping every day that the phone will ring with good news. I can't check my email every day hoping there's an email from a birthmother. I just can't. So, here's my burden of hope. Take it and carry it for me. Just promise me that when the time comes for our baby to come that I will be ready."

And since then I've felt peace. I'm not worried about anything. Giving Him my burden has freed me to enjoy life again. I'm no longer anxious about whether or not I'll be teaching or taking care of a baby next month. Instead I'm thinking about what I'm going to plant in the garden and wondering whether or not we'll be able to keep our lawn from dieing again this summer. You know, the fun stuff in life.

This past week while I was contemplating this little miracle of peace in my life the phrase from a hymn came to my mind. "I'll cast my burden on the Lord and trust his constant care." I looked up all the words to that hymn aaaand they all pretty much describe how I've been feeling.

How Gentle God's Commands

"How gentle God's commands!
How kind his precepts are!
Come, cast your burdens on the Lord
And trust his constant care.

Beneath his watchful eye,
His Saints securely dwell;
That hand which bears all nature up
Shall guard his children well.

Why should this anxious load
Press down your weary mind?
Haste to your Heav'nly Father's throne
And sweet refreshment find.

His goodness stands approved,
Unchanged from day to day;
I'll drop my burden at his feet
And bear a song away."

I don't think I've ever really known what it felt like to drop my burden at his feet until now. I know he's helped with my burdens before, especially with Joshua and Jeff, but I've never asked him to take the whole thing away. It feels good. I feel like I'm wrapped in a warm comforter all the time. And everything is brighter. And I'm free to be happy. It's a very good feeling. Sweet refreshment indeed.

New Perspective

A couple of weeks ago we had a high councilman in our sacrament meeting say, and I quote, "If you don't have any patience, you'd better hurry-up and learn it". If it hadn't been for Carrie I'd have missed the humor in that statement. Being the obedient guy I am, I've really tried hard to do as directed by that high councilman, but it hasn't been easy. Patience is only learned one way, and it isn't even close to "hurry-up".

This last week has been pretty difficult. Carrie (as you've likely already read) had come up with a way to help her have a good attitude. I on the other hand haven't had that great attitude and have tried to figure out how to have that attitude. So Carrie and I fasted for me today, and I'm happy to say that it yielded some fast results (seriously, no pun intended).

In Sacrament meeting it all started when no one was getting up to bear their testimony, which always tugs at me and makes me ponder my own testimony. My nephew, Andrew, recognized the silence and took the opportunity to go up all by himself to bear his sincere testimony. I was proud of him for his example, and for helping me think sincerely about how I felt about Jesus, and the LDS church, and our modern day prophet. Then a young man in our ward who is preparing for a mission got up and bore his testimony about God's love for him and how he felt it this week when he got into his car after attending Institute. That reminded me of the day, in my own car, when I asked Heavenly Father if Carrie and I were going to get married, after 2 years of being great friends, but on-again off-again 'MORE-than-friends'. The answer was 'Yes' and I think that may be the happiest moment of my life. I felt so loved. That moment had come after much heartache and pleadings with Heavenly Father for a long time.

Then a former member of the bishopric talked about attending the temple with his oldest son who leaves for his mission in a few weeks. That caused me to reflect on a day in January 2007. After seeing my youngest brother-in-law sealed in the temple, we were able to sit in the celestial room with my in-laws. I saw the joy in their eyes as they looked out and saw all five of their children, all with spouses sealed to them. Remembering that special day made me think about how sweet that moment must have been for them; Over 30 years since they started their sweet little family.

I thought about how many times in my life I've had to be patient for something I wanted so badly, and how much sweeter the end was when I had had to endure or be patient. Also, about how hindsight always brought understanding and light to those times that felt so dark or impossibly hard. I thought about how, in the winter, I never really feel THAT cold when I get into my car because I know that when I get out of my car I'll be warmed by the heater.

While I don't feel like I know what's going to happen with our family, or how much longer we'll have to wait for kid(s), or any direction as to what I should do, I DO feel like the day will come that these moments will be understood, and I will feel sweet joy at some future time. And right now, that's good enough. I may feel 'cold' now, but knowing I'll be warm in the future, makes it feel much less cold.

The final verse of the closing hymn sums it up pretty well.

"As testimony fills my heart,
It dulls the pain of days.
For one brief moment, heaven's view
Appears before my gaze."

.

Hope Redefined

"Adoption is about love", they say.
I'm confident that's true.
E'en Jesus was adopted by
that upright loving Jew.

It's love that drives the process.
It's love that fills a home.
It's love that helps us open up.
It's love that makes us one.

But what about the love it takes
to place your baby dear,
into another mother's arms
then humbly disappear?

I long to be a Dad, and yet
I ache for that dear mother.
Is praying for our monkey
wishing pain upon another?

God makes lemonade of lemons;
No questioning that fact
He brings joy to the barren,
and soothes the soul that's wracked.

So I'll not pray for one to fall
to quell my yearning heart.
Instead I'll say, "Thy will be done"
and strive to do my part.

Being Busy is Good...ish

I can't believe March has gone by so quickly! Already 6 weeks [read 5.5 months (pronounced six point five years)] waiting for our little monkey. I think the main reason time has gone by so quickly is that things have been really hectic at work (yes, you're welcome, I'll spare you the details. Instead, I'll make up my own suite of words with 'hectic' as the root). Hecticity seems to flow like hot lava out of a volcano peak; It starts small and eventually engulfs everything. As work became hecticitous, there was less time available for my calling. Carrie of course helped me hectice things together just in time for me to realize that I haven't been doing much at home either. In spite of all of Carrie's dehectifizing efforts (which are worthy of an entire lengthy blog I assure you...she has been WONderful) home is not immune to grips of hectinacity. I miss being organized, feeling productive and helpful, but most of all I miss time with Carrie. Especially now. I feel like she unfairly gets the dregs of my time.

That is the part I'm not too keen on about all the hecticitude. There are, however, a few things for which I am very thankful. I'll just "focus" on one right now though.

Diverted Focus. Allow me to explain. A comedian jokes about how when men focus on something they are actually completely oblivious to anything else. I'd give you an example, but if you know a man, you likely had two or three pop into your head just now. When I get into what I call 'project mode' I can't eat, sleep, or anything without thinking about the next stage of the project and how I plan to carry it out. It dominates my dreams and just over 99% of my bandwidth. Now imagine that level of focus on, say, adoption. There is virtually nothing I can do right now. There is no deadline. No status updates. No contact with birthmothers and no reason to contact LDSFS.

This month, I am especially grateful for something else to focus on.

Have you ever had a date just pop into your head? You don't know if was put there by the Spirit or just random thought, but it is just...there? Well I never had, not like this anyway. That date, thought of months ago, is almost here. Do Carrie and I both remember it because it is important? Or just because the date creates a mathematical pattern? Or is it simply that we like thinking that date will mean something? Regardless, there is nothing I can do about it, so I am very happy that I haven't been focusing on it, playing that 'what if' game, effectively flushing time and thought down the toilet.

Though, I will admit, it has been a lot of fun pretending something WILL happen on that date. It makes it even easier to take a hectinfused day off of work and go spend it painting an Opera set with Carrie and her first graders. It has been fun planning what we'll do to "console" ourselves if nothing happens. And you know, between the hecticosity of everything around me, and wondering if we are in the final days of DINKitude, it has made my time with Carrie seem extra precious, and for that I'm grateful (no -ish, ands, or buts!)

I guess sometimes the last really do get to be first :o)

Random

Well, here's my pirating of Carrie's idea, which was pirated from Allie, which she either invented or pirated from someone else. To any and all involved in this idea, thanks, because I don't really have anything specific on my mind, but I've got little thoughts worth jotting down...to me.

If you look to your left you'll notice a new widget counting up from the day we were officially approved. Yes, our baby will be a monkey. If you are a birthparent and you don't want want your little one to be called a monkey, then we may not be the right adoptive parents for you and your baby. I have at least two nieces who've turned out just fine being called little monkeys.

Come to think of it, my Grandpa used to claim he had a monkey up in his ceiling. To prove it to us he would lift us up to look through the wooden "porthole" only to find a mirror. Monkeys rule!

Does anyone else ever play the ever dangerous "what-if" game? Yesterday my heart went out to the grandmother who, while looking back to see how her two grandchildren were, drove off the road and into a large body of water. She and the older grandchild survived, but the 5 year old drowned. As I hoped she would be able to live with herself and recognize it as a tragic accident, I felt an increased burden in caring for a child entrusted to me by a birthparent. A birthparent carefully selects a family as part of the adoptive plan for the baby. What if, through some negligent act, I inadvertently caused the death or serious accident to the child we've been praying for all this time? After briefly questioning my sanity in playing this horrible game, I came to the conclusion that I would have to do exactly what I hoped for that grandma; Grieve, but recognize you did your best, and allow yourself to feel the comfort of the atonement.

Hey! This is MY post! I never made any promise that it would be all warm and fuzzy! But for all of you whiners out there, here's a little pick-you-up.

Carrie and I have really enjoyed getting ready for a baby. We've got a dresser full of clothes, and thanks to our loyal group of parenting experts we've been able to acquire virtually all of the little things we'll need just in case we, you know, find out tomorrow that there is a baby for us to pick up. While doing our monthly finances last night we discovered that we'd reached our savings goal so we can, you know, pay for a baby, and we even set up a plan of what to do in case we are blessed with twins. We have a plethora of kids books and games, and we'll have even more when Carrie brings the ones home that she has loaned to the School District for the past 9 years. My purpose in going over this is: One, to make a record (You know me, I'm a journaling FOOL! he...he...), and Two, to tell you all about Carrie's great idea (See next paragraph).

Since we naively think we have everything we need. We've decided we don't need anyone to bring any gifts if we have a baby shower. Carrie came up with the excellent idea that, if someone feels the overwhelming need to bring something to a baby shower, they should bring their favorite kind of diaper or tell us what their favorite is. That way, we can test out the favorites of the experts and discover OUR favorite. Favorite favorite favorite. Aaaaaaand one more time for good measure .... favorite.

Welcome to my highly distractable mind.

Yes, you read correctly that we'd take twins. Yes, we'd even LIKE to have twins. I don't doubt that they can be more than twice as hard as one child (though some individual children can be more than twice as hard as one child too...you know who you are). I'm sure there would be times where we wondered what we got ourselves into. But if opening up your home to one child is good, Two must be better, right? Right?!?!? In addition, wouldn't it be better to have twins first if you were going to have them? No, we're not crazy. You take that back!

This isn't necessarily the right place for it, but if you've read this far, you're clearly just reading for the sake of reading. I'm making my plea to the public to pledge now to work together with us to prevent the extinction of the adverb. No more will we say "Drive home safe", or "My dog is real smart". Join with me in striving to say "Drive home safely" and "My dog is really smart". Now I'm no English major (OBviously) but I just hate to see a good part of speech get forgotten.

Like everyone, I just want my child to have comfy functional diapers, and not get offended by terms of endearment, and have parent's who'll do their best and try to be better each day, and of course, grow up in a world full of adverbs.