Intake Interview

We met our caseworker on Monday afternoon. Her name is Kate and she's grate. Ha ha! But seriously, she is great and she put on the impression that she thinks we're great, too.
The interview started by her going over the "Adoption Description of Services" document with us. Although we'd already read through it, it was nice to go over it with her and clarify a few of our concerns. One of them was concerning what they call "pass-through" expenses which are expenses the birthmother incurs during the pregnancy and up to 90 days post-partum. We were a little leery about paying for someones expenses without a guarantee that we'd get a baby in the end. From what we learned, LDS Family Services makes sure that sort of thing doesn't happen.

After we went over all the legal stuff (And by "legal stuff" I mean just the stuff in the document. There is a ton more legal stuff we haven't learned yet.), she asked us some questions to get to know us and to give her the information she needs in order to present us to the board and have us approved for actually starting the process.
The questions I remember were:

How did you meet? (It was a dark and stormy night. West High's football team was on the track for another amazing season despite the torrential downpour that was driving all the fans to go back to their warm, dry homes. Everyone, that is, except Zack and Nate.... Or, if you prefer the short story: Zack's best friend's sister is Carrie's father's brother's son's wife...you know how it goes.)

Why have you decided to adopt? (We like to do what Heavenly Father and Jesus want us to do. Thanks, Andrew!)

What are your families like? (We totally aced this question! HOLLA families!)

What do you expect from this process? (Um....a baby? Actually, we didn't quite know how to answer this one. We're not sure what to expect from this process. We have no idea how our family is going to grow. Since we are open to special needs adoption our expectations are so wide we're not sure what's going to happen. So basically, we expect to learn a lot and to be guided to what we're supposed to be doing throughout the whole process. Hopefully there's another party out there somewhere who is also letting the spirit guide them in what they're supposed to do. If we're all trying to follow the spirit and do what Heavenly Father wants us to do, then we'll all become connected and babies will go where Heavenly Father wants them to go. That's what I expect, or a better word would be hope, from this process.)

After the little question and answer session Kate let us know that she would present our case to the board on Wednesday. If we're approved, we'll be contacted by a lady named Susan who will put us on the track to getting all this crazy paperwork done. Lucky for us it's mostly done online. We are so good at getting things done online!

We also learned that the 7 week class we're supposed to take (which felt like the biggest obstacle to getting this stuff done quickly) is now only a 2 night class. The good news is that the class is next Friday and Saturday, Nov. 7-8! The bad news is if they don't have enough couples sign up, they'll have to postpone it until the beginning of January. January!? We can't wait two whole months!!!! So, if any of you feel like considering adoption, attending the class and then changing your mind afterwards...heh heh...

So, we can now check off "intake interview" on our list of things to do. Yea for us!

*Side note. While we were talking to Kate and getting ready to leave, I asked her where she lived. You know, just friendly conversation. She'd already shared how she and her husband met and a few things about herself so I didn't think it was a strange question. But as I started asking her, I thought for a minute that SHE might think it was a strange question. So to allay any fears she might have by me asking personal information about her, I asked her like this: "So where do you live? ...not that we want to stalk you or anything..."

Doesn't that just allay all fears? See, I DON'T want to stalk you. And I'm telling you that so you'll know that stalking is definitely NOT something that I want to do to you in the future. And it didn't even cross my mind. I don't even know HOW to stalk someone. It's not like I've made a how-to video on the proper way to stalk people...

I'll shut up now.

Things Mr. Maxwell And Missy MoKay Have Taught Me

Caring is well worth the sacrifice. I don't claim that having puppies puts the same restrictions on a couple as having a baby, but there are still sacrifices that have to be made. We can't be gone for too long, there are miscellaneous regular and unexpected costs, they make messes that have to be cleaned up, they can ruin valuable things, etc. We also haven't travelled nearly as much since we got Maxwell (but when we have, Danchel NoisyPants has graciously given our puppies loving care, thanks RYDY!). BUT... I wouldn't trade any of it. Weird, huh? No, because caring for someone fills you with love, and love brings happiness. Plus they are so adorable and fun! And it turns out, they teach me so much in the process of being fun companions. Here's a few random things they've taught me. I can't go into every detail, but I have no doubt that these dogs have been preparing me for adoption.

'Family' is larger than genetics. There is no question that these two have become part of the family. They are clearly not biological family (even though they have big ears!), but you know what? I love them as if they were. I don't think I would have understood this principle as well without our puppies. They belong in this home. They are a part of our family. Family is a circle of loved ones who you care about, who love and care about you...no matter what. When my cousin, who lives several thousand miles away and who I rarely get to talk to, called because she was having a hard time with her parents going through a divorce, I dropped everything I was doing to talk to her. I wished I could take away her pain. I loved her and wanted the best for her. Because she is family. Would I do less for one of Carrie's cousins? Not a chance, they're FAMILY. Not because we have a family tree trunk in common, but because circumstances have brought our lives together, and they are without a doubt in my circle of Family.
Tonight a read a blog that Carrie found in her searches about an adoption birth mother. I haven't been sure how I felt about an open adoption (one where the birth mother still plays a role in the life of the child). After reading her blog, and understanding her perspective, and seeing the love she has for her baby and the baby's parents, I realized, "why would I want to exclude anyone from loving my kids?". I have a family and a step family and in laws, and I love them all, so why would I want to close off my circle of family when I could welcome more love into it? Silly Zack!

Puppies (and kids) though raised in a similar environment, need individual care.
My mother-in-law has always said this, but having two dogs, I really understand it. Maxwell is a big sloppy bundle of love. More than anything he wants to be petted and praised. He is curious and smart. McKay is very shy and fearful.
She is more selective about her circle of trust, but once you get in, she is fiercely loyal and loving. She is incredibly playful, and just about wags her tail right off when you are throwing a ball to her. They have similarities, but they have significant differences, and we have to treat them differently in order to help them learn and grow, or even play. For example, Maxwell loves to wrestle and rough-house. If you try to grab McKay, You're likely to give her a heart attack.

Love can overcome everything. If I get upset with Maxwell because he (insert any number of things), he forgives me immediately and loves me in spite of my shortcomings. He licks my face and reminds me that he wants to do what is right, he just messes up sometimes and needs kind reminders. The first time I got upset with McKay, I didn't think she would ever trust me again. She ran away and just wanted to be with Carrie. She quickly taught me that she loved me, but wanted me to be more loving. If she does something wrong I just have to say, "Mckaaaaay, NO". Lesson learned. I then sit on the floor and say "come here". She comes right over to say she's sorry and indulges me as I explain to her why she shouldn't do that. I love her, so I was able to change myself, and overlook her shortcomings. If you love someone, you can do it. No matter what "it" is.

They That Be With Us Are More...

Sometimes you know you've made the right decision because everything just seems to fall into place.
Sometimes, after you pray about a decision, you feel that inexplicable confirmation that comes from the Holy Ghost.
Sometimes you just feel happy and confident that things are as they should be.
And sometimes, in addition to all those other ways, you just feel attacked. You feel like some outside force is working overtime to pick at the chinks in your armor. Needling any possible weaknesses in hopes of stopping you in your tracks. I guess what I'm saying is that Satan has his own round about way of unintentionally confirming that something important is about to happen by redoubling his prevention efforts.
As with every negative, God has a way of using it as a positive. He uses it to redouble HIS efforts to strengthen and support you. If you let it, it is actually a high speed method of reinforcing your armor, and strengthening your weaknesses.
It helps me to think of this as a contest. The current goal is adoption with the associated activities and preparations. Heavenly Father wants us to make it and will help us succeed. Satan tries to make us feel inadequate and puts stumbling blocks in our path. The contest is to see if you'll let someone succeed who is trying to make you fail.
I know I've been quoting our adoption songs a lot lately, but in the words of Jason Mraz, "Nothing's gonna stop us but divine intervention".

Musings of a Future Father

As a novice blogger, I didn't want to break any unwritten blogger rules by writing a new blog before everyone had a chance to read the old blog. Then I had an epiphany; I'm not a blogger, I'm not blogging, I'm writing in a family journal that I accidentally left open in front of anyone in the world who wants to read it.

What the? Why would I do that!?!?!?

Sanity questions aside, time for a new entry. Now the only question is which one to write? How about all of them! One thing I've learned is that it is better to say something than nothing at all. Sometimes something is so important to me that I want to spend a lot of time writing or recording all of the details so I never forget, but then I don't have an acceptably long block of time to devote to the recording or writing. The resulting procrastination compels that thought or event or impression, once critically important, to be forgotten.

Not today Procrastination! I'd rather write a little, and do a "disservice" to the topic, than forget. I apologize if it doesn't make any sense to you, but I think a song says it best...
"Don't let go of this moment in time
Don't let go of things that you're feeling
I can't explain the things that I'm feeling
[But] I won't let go"

Okay, NOW to the entry topics.

It is common for many men to get several months (often close to 9) to prepare themselves for their family to expand. Not being in that position elicits an excitement at thinking that I could be a Father in 3-4 months, or 3-4 years. 3-4 months!?!? There's no time for procrastination! The uncertainty also helps me to constantly have adoption on my mind, which turns a lot of songs on the radio into adoption songs. "One Step at a Time" as quoted in Carrie's blog, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, and "Don't Let Go" by Sarah McLachlan and Bryan Adams.

I've been praying to better understand Birth Parents, because I haven't felt like I can empathize very well. The Spirit took advantage of a commercial on my way to work to teach me in a way I could understand. I heard the IHC commercial that talks about a three year old boy who had a heart transplant. Hearing that made me think about the joy his parents must have felt at hearing their child would live. It also made me think of the sadness that the parents felt who lost their child. Maybe it isn't the greatest comparison, but it helped me a lot to consider that adoption has some similar elements. Parents are sadly losing their future of raising a child, while other parents are joyously granted a future of raising a child. It is a lemons-out-of-lemonade situation, if you will. Heavenly Father is pretty good at that.

This brings me to the topic I've wanted to write about from the beginning. As Carrie and I were driving up to the cabin to watch conference, chop wood, and enjoy the autumn beauty of the Unitas, we talked about a topic we'd talked about many times before; Adoption. This discussion would have very different results. This time, we didn't talk about adoption as a "next step". It wasn't a "consolation prize" for those who can't have kids of their own. Though I'm embarrassed to say I ever thought of adoption that way, I feel blessed to have been taught the truth by the Spirit and a loving, patient wife. Adoption has nothing to do with having or not having our own biological kids. Adopting doesn't mean we're "giving up" on having biological kids, any more than having biological kids would have changed the feelings we had that someday we'd be adopting. Adopting, like having biological children, isn't just about parents wanting a baby and getting one. Adopting, like having biological children, is MORE about opening up your heart, and your home, to welcome one (or more!) of Heavenly Father's children into your family.

If all it takes is a phone call....

...then they're going to be very, very sorry they let that little secret slip.

As Zack wrote previously, we turned in our application late Friday night, October 10th. We then waited an ENTIRE week without any word from LDS Family Services. Can you believe it!? An entire week went past! So Zack called them yesterday and very politely (yea for practice working with vendors at work!) told them we'd submitted our application and asked them if they needed anything else from us, had we done everything we were supposed to do, etc. The nice lady on the phone said she'd have someone call us later that day. An hour later our caseworker called. Yea! We have a caseworker! And we have an appointment next Monday to see her! And we're signed up to take some non-descriptive adoption classes on November 7th and 8th!

We can relax a little knowing that the ball is rolling. Rolling on, what feels like, tar yet rolling all the same. And yes, I realize it's only been two weeks, but we've been waiting four years for this answer to our prayers. And when for four years your answer has been "Be patient", you're a little bit excited when the answer turns to something you can actually ACT on. So, act we will.


Since we can't do much until we've actually talked to someone, we're doing everything we can to stay active in this process until then. We went up to the cabin this weekend for a much anticipated weekend of games and more games. While we were there we wanted to take advantage of the beautiful scenery and maybe get a portrait-style picture for our adoption portfolio (that's what I'm calling it now, instead of "the big giant list of things we need to do").

We ran into two near-disasters that almost made the picture-taking a failure. First, when I went to use my hairdryer (the one I keep at the cabin) I found out it was broken. I can make my hair look decent (definition: not like a homeless person) without a hairdryer, but when I'm taking pictures that someone will potentially look at to decide if I'm the right mother for her child, "not like a homeless person" is not the term I want to have cross her mind. Luckily, my mom also keeps a hairdryer at the cabin and hers worked! Crisis averted! The second potential disaster was when I realized I'd left the camera tripod at home. Erg. We solved that problem by bringing along two logs with which we made a crude, but effective, stand to set our camera on.

We took a lot of pictures with a lot of different nature backgrounds. But in the end, the best picture we got was the one of us standing in front of the cabin. I'd post it, but Zack has the computer with that picture on it and he's currently not here. We really like this picture, but we also know that our caseworker (Yea! We have a caseworker!) has to approve it before we mass-produce it. (And yes, we will be giving out signed copies of it to all who are interested. It is THAT good-looking.)

Picture crisis averted! Picture* posted by Zack 'the day saver'.

*Photograph: Taken by Team Pinewood Logs Photography

Anxiously Engaged

This is a pretty hectic week for us (it isn't really hectic, more like full), so last night we decided we'd go on a date for family night. On our way in to SLC Carrie read through the "Adoptive Applicant Application Checklist". I have a new respect for those who adopt. In case you were wondering why it takes 4-6 months just to be put on the adoption list, here's what we'll be doing:

Submitted Application
Intake Interview
Criminal Background Check
Child Abuse Registry Check
Questionnaires
Financial Statement
Medical Reports
Family Background
Certified Copies of Birth, Marriage, and Sealing Certificates
Individual Interviews
Home Visit and Interview
7 Week Adoption Education Classes
Matching Sheet
Preference Checklist
Family Portrait
Picture Collage
Birth Parent Letter
Newborn Infant Care Classes
Website Page Created

And Breathe.

So we've completed step one. The next thing on the checklist requires waiting for our assigned caseworker to contact us. Despite all of the lessons we've learned about patience, we aren't very good at waiting once we've made up our minds to do something.

So we've decided to be anxiously engaged while we wait. It will help things move along more smoothly and encourage sanity. Win Win! So if you see us looking through a bunch of pictures, or figuring out how to get a certified copy of our marriage certificate, or if we come up and ask you for some information, we're just actively waiting :o)

And They're Off!

Monday morning at 8:05am we called LDS Family Services. We thought we'd be setting up an appointment, but instead they took our general information and sent us a packet with an application, which arrived on Tuesday. This was just a simple application; One page. Well, there was a second page with the heading "please have your OCD husband give us direction to your house and draw a map". I happily obliged (and YES, I did include a legend and reminded the user of the map that it was definitely NOT to scale...I'm not THAT OCD).
The most difficult part of the application (besides figuring out if the caseworker should take main street, or 5th west or use I-15) turned out to be finding 4 references, of which only 1 could be a family member.

ONE?!?!?!?! HUUUHH?!?!?!?!?

Does it count when your friends just so happen to be family members?

So last night we finally settled on references out the many of you who could have easily been blackmailed into saying nice things. Once that was out of the way, we took our completed application to LDS Family Services (Yea!), who just so happens to be open until 10:00pm on all weeknights except Monday. It's almost like they are catering to couples who both work. Strange coincidence, but lucky for us!

The next steps as we understand them are to wait to hear from the caseworker who'll be assigned to us. If we're deemed worthy, he or she will come to our home to do interrogations and help us through the rest of the process.

Here we go!

Baby Steps to Adoption

Is it weird to blog about a blog? I'm new to actually WRITING a blog. Not that I care; I'm going to blog about the creation of this blog, regardless. Maybe we'll make it public, maybe it'll just be for us. We'll see.

We will be taking turns writing as we treat this blog like our adoption journal. That's right, adoption. This past conference weekend we were strongly impressed that it is the right time for us to adopt.

If we have a thought, or learn something new, or even simply want to show our naivete, we'll write (at least that is the PLAN :o) ). We have a lot to learn, which is part of the motivation behind the "Baby Steps to Adoption" URL. The other part is, of course, Dr. Leo Marvin's Book.

The blog title is a spin off of the LDS commercial theme "Adoption: It's about...Love" (which we feel like we understand better than ever now). We've felt for a long time that we'd adopt at some point in our lives. We've been actively considering it for 3 years or so, but have never before felt like it was the right thing for us to do at the time. That all changed this past weekend. Wasn't every single talk about adoption? I'm pretty sure they were...

Well, there's a short intro. We'll explain everything better in the coming days. We are so excited to be able to open our lives and our home! It's about TIME!