My plan

Sometimes I feel like my life has been stretched out. What should have only lasted a few months suddenly stretched out into years. What should have only lasted a few years is somehow stretched into a decade. My single years (once I graduated high school) were stretched into a comfortable 6 years. My teaching years have now grown to 9. And my and Zack's DINK years (Double Income No Kids) are stretching farther than we ever thought they would. I'm 31 and I feel like I'm really 24 or 25. My life really hasn't gone as I planned it. And I'm really glad about that. My life is way better than I planned.

When my parents got married, way back when, they didn't waste any time having kids. Jeff was born a short 11 months after they were married. I remember my mom once saying that she had a strong impression to hurry and have kids. Like Jeff was supposed to be born at that time and she had to hurry to make that happen. Her explanation at the time was that he probably knew Hannah and Heather were already there or on their way and he needed to be part of that cousins group. I have no doubt that was part of it. And there was so much more. It was all part of Jeff's plan. It was my mom's plan and my dad's plan, but most importantly, it was Jeff's plan.

When I think about my own kids I tend to think about it as MY plan. When will MY time to have kids come? What will MY timeline be for children? But really, it's not just my plan. It's my child's plan. Who am I to decide when they come? It's my plan, but it's also their plan. We're woven together. We're intertwined, this child, Zack and I. The threads will weave when the time is right.

The other night I started thinking about what would happen if we were to suddenly find ourselves pregnant. Instead of being excited, surprisingly my first thought was disappointment. Adoption has expanded my view. My perspective has changed. My heart has been growing to make room for more than our child. It was going to include the birth family. People I hoped to love and know very well. People I feel are already part of my life. People I pray for often. The thought of finding out I was pregnant meant taking all that love away. My family instantly shrunk. My perspective shortened. My life grew smaller and contained only a few people. It was, well, a disappointing thought.*

My plan has grown to include not just Zack, me and child. It also includes our birth parents. They have a plan, too. Their plan will be just as intimately intertwined with the life of this child as mine and Zack's thread will be. Someday the day will come when all of us will come together and what were once separate threads will now be woven into a strong chord of love. Whether their threads will show for a time and then seemingly disappear, becoming invisible but still there, or whether they will bring color and joy into our lives forever is up to them. (I'm hoping for the latter.) When my family grows it will not grow by one anymore. And somehow that seems more normal and wonderful to me than having our family the "normal" way.

*Please do not think, for an instant, that I would be sad to find myself pregnant. I would just have to change my perspective a bit. But I would be very happy.

Dear Journal,

Yesterday we got an e-mail about an all day class for families with a child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. We signed up. It'll be a great learning opportunity, and I'll take all the training I can get!

Interesting day today. Carrie's school had kindergarten orientation today and we realized that Joshua would be getting ready for kindergarten! I forget that he'd be in the same grade as Kalli and Emma! Craziness. I'm too young and inexperienced for a kindergartner! If I had a 5 year old, I'd hope to be as good of a Dad as Mike and Doug though.

Found out that the birthmother from the Burgi lead decided to keep her baby. I was pleased that I felt happy for her and her baby. Every situation is so different, so I aspire to be like the counselors at LDSFS, and recognize that there is no absolute right decision. All they try to do is give the birthmother as much information as possible about each of the possible decisions, so the birthmother can make the best choice for her baby. Education and Agency, what a great method. Anyway, I wish her the very best.

We stopped by Carrie's parent's house tonight to say hi. Carrie's Mom is an incredible caretaker for Lucille, Carrie's Grandma, who has had dementia for some time now. Since Elaine was starting to get Lucille ready for bed, Carrie decided that she should know how, just in case the need arose in the future. So I was just thinking about those three great women in there. Lucille is a great artist (we have a couple of her painting in our house) who clung to the gospel for support throughout her life. Even now, the most comforting thing she can do to pass the time is watch conference on TV. It soothes her spirit. Elaine is amazing in so many ways. She is creative and artistic and has a great ability to teach others all that she knows about so many things. She is caring and very cognisant of others needs. I couldn't ask for a better mother in law. And then there is Carrie. Don't even get me started :o) Suffice it to say right now, that Carrie continues a great legacy of strong, loving, faithful women. Her desire to serve others drives her to want to know all she can so she can help at the drop of a hat if necessary. I can't help but be excited to meet the next in this line of women. What an honor it will be to meet her and learn from her. I enjoy picturing my very own daughter in there with three generation of experience and faith and love, teaching and growing and helping each other. I can't wait!

The Walls Have Ears

Today at lunch I decided to sit at the a table in the lunchroom and quickly eat instead of eating while I work. Shortly after sitting down a group of people came in to the lunchroom and started chatting while they heated up their lunch. Part of the conversation went like this:

Girl #1: How's your new baby?
Girl #2: She's hard and fun at the same time. Here's a picture!
Boy: She's so cute!
Girl #2: Thanks. Guess what? The other day I saw a baby in the store and I said, "that baby is so cute", and a lady nearby said, "yeah, but not all babies are cute". Can you believe it?
Girl #1: No WAY! What is her problem? Even if babies aren't cute you don't SAY they aren't cute.
Girl #2: Yeah, I don't get what her problem was.
Boy: She probably has a hard time conceiving or something.
All: Ha Ha Ha!!
Zack: (Happy 3-month-anniversary-of-being-approved-for-adoption-and-just-over-5-year-anniversary-of-losing-our-baby-boy to meeeeeeee....next time, I'm just going back to my "desk" to eat my lunch.)

Actually, my mind was filled with much less self-pity, and a 'PINCH' more ire, but by the time I finished my yogurt, I just felt sad wondering how many times I've said something incredibly insensitive without being aware. You just never know who might be listening, or what experiences those around you have had to go through. So I'm going to try to be more uplifting in my speech, and to any of you who I've unknowingly offended, please accept my sincere apology.

To those of you who I've knowingly offended, it means I think you are cool enough to tease...but I'll try to tone that down as well :o)