My plan

Sometimes I feel like my life has been stretched out. What should have only lasted a few months suddenly stretched out into years. What should have only lasted a few years is somehow stretched into a decade. My single years (once I graduated high school) were stretched into a comfortable 6 years. My teaching years have now grown to 9. And my and Zack's DINK years (Double Income No Kids) are stretching farther than we ever thought they would. I'm 31 and I feel like I'm really 24 or 25. My life really hasn't gone as I planned it. And I'm really glad about that. My life is way better than I planned.

When my parents got married, way back when, they didn't waste any time having kids. Jeff was born a short 11 months after they were married. I remember my mom once saying that she had a strong impression to hurry and have kids. Like Jeff was supposed to be born at that time and she had to hurry to make that happen. Her explanation at the time was that he probably knew Hannah and Heather were already there or on their way and he needed to be part of that cousins group. I have no doubt that was part of it. And there was so much more. It was all part of Jeff's plan. It was my mom's plan and my dad's plan, but most importantly, it was Jeff's plan.

When I think about my own kids I tend to think about it as MY plan. When will MY time to have kids come? What will MY timeline be for children? But really, it's not just my plan. It's my child's plan. Who am I to decide when they come? It's my plan, but it's also their plan. We're woven together. We're intertwined, this child, Zack and I. The threads will weave when the time is right.

The other night I started thinking about what would happen if we were to suddenly find ourselves pregnant. Instead of being excited, surprisingly my first thought was disappointment. Adoption has expanded my view. My perspective has changed. My heart has been growing to make room for more than our child. It was going to include the birth family. People I hoped to love and know very well. People I feel are already part of my life. People I pray for often. The thought of finding out I was pregnant meant taking all that love away. My family instantly shrunk. My perspective shortened. My life grew smaller and contained only a few people. It was, well, a disappointing thought.*

My plan has grown to include not just Zack, me and child. It also includes our birth parents. They have a plan, too. Their plan will be just as intimately intertwined with the life of this child as mine and Zack's thread will be. Someday the day will come when all of us will come together and what were once separate threads will now be woven into a strong chord of love. Whether their threads will show for a time and then seemingly disappear, becoming invisible but still there, or whether they will bring color and joy into our lives forever is up to them. (I'm hoping for the latter.) When my family grows it will not grow by one anymore. And somehow that seems more normal and wonderful to me than having our family the "normal" way.

*Please do not think, for an instant, that I would be sad to find myself pregnant. I would just have to change my perspective a bit. But I would be very happy.