What's a Dossier Anyway?

Three months and two weeks after the first conversation Carrie and I had about international adoption, and our dossier was sent to Ethiopia! It also happened to be Ethiopian New Year, which I happen to know because my wife has become an expert on all things Ethiopia. Having the Dossier sent is kind of like being approved at LDSFS. It means that we could now get a referral for a baby. Couples who are now getting referrals for baby boys had their Dossiers sent in mid Feb. You do the math and that puts us out until mid April time frame before we should expect to hear anything.
AAI (the international adoption agency) is really big on humanitarian aid, and we think it is a great idea. Since we will likely have nothing to do for the next seven months, expect to hear from us about ways we can work together to help some of the orphans over there.

Reality

I'd better write this blog now, because if I don't it'll never get written. But here's reality.
In an hour, or maybe even in 10 minutes I won't feel this way. I'll think of how lucky and blessed I am. I'll think of all the good things, and right things, and I'll be happy and fine. But that's not how I feel right now, and right now, I don't want to think about how lucky and blessed I am. The reality is that sometimes you just feel crappy. Yup, crappy enough to soft-swear about it.
Crappy because I'm nearly 32 and have a wife who's a perfect mother, just waiting for kids to raise. Crappy because we've been married for 7 years, and for 7 years haven't been able to have kids even though there is no medical explanation for it. Crappy because we keep postponing vacations, not eating out (as much) and not buying things we want, because we are saving all we can for adoptions. Crappy because in the space of two weeks, two birthmother's have chosen other, less cool, couples for their babies. Crappy because the most recent one was having twins (and I don't care what you all say about twins being hard, I still want them) and we were planning on refinancing our house so we'd have enough money to get them and still pay for our little Ethiopian boy later. But no, for us things will continue to be the same. Not bad, just the same.
Maybe the other couples had been waiting longer, maybe they are perfect for those kids, maybe they are actually supPOSed to have those kids. Bleh.
So, we'll keep waiting. Venting really can make you feel better sometimes, but the reality is, it feels crappier to have someone look at you, review the summary of your life and who you are, and then actively CHOOSE to not choose you than it does to find out that you are not pregnant for yet another month.
Come on Carrie. Let's go out to dinner.