I'd better write this blog now, because if I don't it'll never get written. But here's reality.
In an hour, or maybe even in 10 minutes I won't feel this way. I'll think of how lucky and blessed I am. I'll think of all the good things, and right things, and I'll be happy and fine. But that's not how I feel right now, and right now, I don't want to think about how lucky and blessed I am. The reality is that sometimes you just feel crappy. Yup, crappy enough to soft-swear about it.
Crappy because I'm nearly 32 and have a wife who's a perfect mother, just waiting for kids to raise. Crappy because we've been married for 7 years, and for 7 years haven't been able to have kids even though there is no medical explanation for it. Crappy because we keep postponing vacations, not eating out (as much) and not buying things we want, because we are saving all we can for adoptions. Crappy because in the space of two weeks, two birthmother's have chosen other, less cool, couples for their babies. Crappy because the most recent one was having twins (and I don't care what you all say about twins being hard, I still want them) and we were planning on refinancing our house so we'd have enough money to get them and still pay for our little Ethiopian boy later. But no, for us things will continue to be the same. Not bad, just the same.
Maybe the other couples had been waiting longer, maybe they are perfect for those kids, maybe they are actually supPOSed to have those kids. Bleh.
So, we'll keep waiting. Venting really can make you feel better sometimes, but the reality is, it feels crappier to have someone look at you, review the summary of your life and who you are, and then actively CHOOSE to not choose you than it does to find out that you are not pregnant for yet another month.
Come on Carrie. Let's go out to dinner.
It's been a LONG while
3 years ago
8 comments:
oh man! i totally wanted to go out to eat with you guys tonight, but my mom wanted to us to hang with her (out of pity mostly I know so i didn't cop out, but it was nice of her)
anyways, hope you got feeling better, but these feeling are good to post. You guys are perfect, but you're human and entitled to all the anger you want. Somehow it makes you more perfect.
way to go, you win again, without even trying.
It's probably best we didnt go out with you. I forgot my deoderant. With would have exacerbated any non happy feelings.
Wow, that is CRAPPY. When awesome people like you can't have kids I kind of feel bad that I have kids. Although I often wonder why exactly I decided to have kids. (Oh yeah, I had no idea I was getting into :)) I feel sooo grateful for them, but seriously for you, like is unfair and a definately CRAPPY. Hopefully it won't be crappy for much longer.
So, I don't exactly get why you weren't chosen. I mean you are a fine looking couple with awesome credentials. People are crazy for not chosing you.
Just want you guys to know I've been thinking about you a TON lately. And I feel crappy for you... and I'm REALLY good at crying lately if you need a crying partner. :)
We think you both are amazing and want you to know you're in our thoughts and prayers.
Thanks for the thoughts. We had a nice dinner and then treated ourselves to Nielson's. We are feeling a lot better of course and appreciate all the good friends and family around us. We are definitely very lucky in a lot of ways :o)
I'm glad you took the time to release the real emotions that you're sure to feel in your disappointment. We're adding more prayers to yours that you'll be carried through this process of waiting. I know Zack you haven't met me(right?) and that it has been years since I've SEEN Carrie, but I love you both. I have family (in-laws) who are also waiting for the blessing of children, I remember the awfulness of tests and treatments when I was struggling to get pregnant and the monthly disappointments, I relate to the feelings of loss after losing my own brother, and know that grief is something you are having to become all too familiar with; but I also know I have no idea what you guys are feeling or going through because I haven't been through it. I'm hopeful that your love for each other and your faith in the Lord will continue to soothe your ache and know that there are others around you who are adding their 'perfect brightness of hope' to yours that your turn will come!!
Sometimes there's nothing to say, except that I think you guys are awesome, inspiring, funny, crazy, and a whole host of other superlatives, and I really, really, really, hope and pray that sooner, rather than later, you get to pass all that along to a new generation of Evanses.
Thanks for sharing this post, love you guys.
Here I am, slow on the uptake AGAIN.
The other day, Jodie and I were going through a particularly difficult time, when it struck me - "you wouldn't be going through this if it weren't the absolute best thing for you to go through. I don't make mistakes - everything I do has a purpose" I hadn't felt that way about anything else, not even when Jeff died. For some reason it really sunk in this time.
And, yes, I would agree that sometimes feeling crappy is just the way it is - just because. I'm pretty sure our body does that to us because it knows it'll get Nielson's. At least that's the way mine rolls.
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