Somewhere there's a couple on vacation, unaware that in December what they've hoped for will finally be coming true. They'll find out soon.
That couple is not us.
And I'm okay with it.
The other day Zack and I were talking about the situation we were in- this whole "Us or Them" scenario. Zack said he hoped the birthmother would choose us, but it was hard to hope that because it meant that another couple had to get their hopes dashed. We are part of a decision where the joy one couple experiences is shadowed by another couple's pain. But that's what the entire adoption experience is about, isn't it?
And no matter how hard you try, you can't shield yourself from the pain. You can't pretend you don't care, because deep down you do.
And so it hurts.
But you learn from the pain.
You grow.
You become stronger.
And you're okay with it.
Disappointment and I, we're comfortable with each other. It's familiar.
It's the joy and excitement and the fulfillment of promises that makes me uneasy. I feel like when it finally comes I'll be wary, watching around every corner waiting for the reality of disappointment and hurt to resume it's familiar place by my side. These dreams coming true, that feels too unstable. These dreams will come true someday, somewhere. Not here and now.
Before you all throw me a pity party and have an intervention at my house, that's only how I feel sometimes.
Most of the time I live with hope. I am extremely happy with hope.
Come to think of it, maybe it's not disappointment and hurt that feel familiar, maybe it's the hope that comes out of them that feels so comfortable, so familiar.
"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
-Romans 5: 1-5
Somewhere our children wait. I won't stop hoping for them.
It's been a LONG while
4 years ago
5 comments:
We're routing for you!
You're right. They are waiting just as you are. One day you'll be together.
You guys are an inspiration, you know that?
Thanks for letting us hope with you!
Having a 'perfect brightness of hope'...it can be painful at times, but it is the only way to exercise faith and leave room for the Lord to do His mighty work. I add my faith to yours that your desire will be fulfilled in His time and in His way. God be With You! (and them).
Wow, reading both of your feelings of hope, whether you feel crappy or not, makes me cry. I can feel through both of your words that you are both very meant for each other and that you have a great relationship--many of which people do not have in marriage. I can tell you are BEST friends and one thing I see is you have both reached stages of deep love and faith that most people will never reach in their entire lifetime....and to top it off, they usually have to have the kids and raise them before they get to the maturity that you two are already at.
SO I say, you have some seriously valiant children coming to you!!! You are being prepared. You are ready. Maybe the test isn't yours anymore, but the birth mother's. When they come, that's all the more to cherish.
I admire you both more than words can say. I thought 2 years of infertility was a long time, you two have waited 7 years of famine....years of "plenty" await you. Surely.
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