My plan

Sometimes I feel like my life has been stretched out. What should have only lasted a few months suddenly stretched out into years. What should have only lasted a few years is somehow stretched into a decade. My single years (once I graduated high school) were stretched into a comfortable 6 years. My teaching years have now grown to 9. And my and Zack's DINK years (Double Income No Kids) are stretching farther than we ever thought they would. I'm 31 and I feel like I'm really 24 or 25. My life really hasn't gone as I planned it. And I'm really glad about that. My life is way better than I planned.

When my parents got married, way back when, they didn't waste any time having kids. Jeff was born a short 11 months after they were married. I remember my mom once saying that she had a strong impression to hurry and have kids. Like Jeff was supposed to be born at that time and she had to hurry to make that happen. Her explanation at the time was that he probably knew Hannah and Heather were already there or on their way and he needed to be part of that cousins group. I have no doubt that was part of it. And there was so much more. It was all part of Jeff's plan. It was my mom's plan and my dad's plan, but most importantly, it was Jeff's plan.

When I think about my own kids I tend to think about it as MY plan. When will MY time to have kids come? What will MY timeline be for children? But really, it's not just my plan. It's my child's plan. Who am I to decide when they come? It's my plan, but it's also their plan. We're woven together. We're intertwined, this child, Zack and I. The threads will weave when the time is right.

The other night I started thinking about what would happen if we were to suddenly find ourselves pregnant. Instead of being excited, surprisingly my first thought was disappointment. Adoption has expanded my view. My perspective has changed. My heart has been growing to make room for more than our child. It was going to include the birth family. People I hoped to love and know very well. People I feel are already part of my life. People I pray for often. The thought of finding out I was pregnant meant taking all that love away. My family instantly shrunk. My perspective shortened. My life grew smaller and contained only a few people. It was, well, a disappointing thought.*

My plan has grown to include not just Zack, me and child. It also includes our birth parents. They have a plan, too. Their plan will be just as intimately intertwined with the life of this child as mine and Zack's thread will be. Someday the day will come when all of us will come together and what were once separate threads will now be woven into a strong chord of love. Whether their threads will show for a time and then seemingly disappear, becoming invisible but still there, or whether they will bring color and joy into our lives forever is up to them. (I'm hoping for the latter.) When my family grows it will not grow by one anymore. And somehow that seems more normal and wonderful to me than having our family the "normal" way.

*Please do not think, for an instant, that I would be sad to find myself pregnant. I would just have to change my perspective a bit. But I would be very happy.

Dear Journal,

Yesterday we got an e-mail about an all day class for families with a child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. We signed up. It'll be a great learning opportunity, and I'll take all the training I can get!

Interesting day today. Carrie's school had kindergarten orientation today and we realized that Joshua would be getting ready for kindergarten! I forget that he'd be in the same grade as Kalli and Emma! Craziness. I'm too young and inexperienced for a kindergartner! If I had a 5 year old, I'd hope to be as good of a Dad as Mike and Doug though.

Found out that the birthmother from the Burgi lead decided to keep her baby. I was pleased that I felt happy for her and her baby. Every situation is so different, so I aspire to be like the counselors at LDSFS, and recognize that there is no absolute right decision. All they try to do is give the birthmother as much information as possible about each of the possible decisions, so the birthmother can make the best choice for her baby. Education and Agency, what a great method. Anyway, I wish her the very best.

We stopped by Carrie's parent's house tonight to say hi. Carrie's Mom is an incredible caretaker for Lucille, Carrie's Grandma, who has had dementia for some time now. Since Elaine was starting to get Lucille ready for bed, Carrie decided that she should know how, just in case the need arose in the future. So I was just thinking about those three great women in there. Lucille is a great artist (we have a couple of her painting in our house) who clung to the gospel for support throughout her life. Even now, the most comforting thing she can do to pass the time is watch conference on TV. It soothes her spirit. Elaine is amazing in so many ways. She is creative and artistic and has a great ability to teach others all that she knows about so many things. She is caring and very cognisant of others needs. I couldn't ask for a better mother in law. And then there is Carrie. Don't even get me started :o) Suffice it to say right now, that Carrie continues a great legacy of strong, loving, faithful women. Her desire to serve others drives her to want to know all she can so she can help at the drop of a hat if necessary. I can't help but be excited to meet the next in this line of women. What an honor it will be to meet her and learn from her. I enjoy picturing my very own daughter in there with three generation of experience and faith and love, teaching and growing and helping each other. I can't wait!

The Walls Have Ears

Today at lunch I decided to sit at the a table in the lunchroom and quickly eat instead of eating while I work. Shortly after sitting down a group of people came in to the lunchroom and started chatting while they heated up their lunch. Part of the conversation went like this:

Girl #1: How's your new baby?
Girl #2: She's hard and fun at the same time. Here's a picture!
Boy: She's so cute!
Girl #2: Thanks. Guess what? The other day I saw a baby in the store and I said, "that baby is so cute", and a lady nearby said, "yeah, but not all babies are cute". Can you believe it?
Girl #1: No WAY! What is her problem? Even if babies aren't cute you don't SAY they aren't cute.
Girl #2: Yeah, I don't get what her problem was.
Boy: She probably has a hard time conceiving or something.
All: Ha Ha Ha!!
Zack: (Happy 3-month-anniversary-of-being-approved-for-adoption-and-just-over-5-year-anniversary-of-losing-our-baby-boy to meeeeeeee....next time, I'm just going back to my "desk" to eat my lunch.)

Actually, my mind was filled with much less self-pity, and a 'PINCH' more ire, but by the time I finished my yogurt, I just felt sad wondering how many times I've said something incredibly insensitive without being aware. You just never know who might be listening, or what experiences those around you have had to go through. So I'm going to try to be more uplifting in my speech, and to any of you who I've unknowingly offended, please accept my sincere apology.

To those of you who I've knowingly offended, it means I think you are cool enough to tease...but I'll try to tone that down as well :o)

"Thanks" & "Sure!"

Something that we realized very strongly when we lost Joshua was the importance of friends and family in our lives. All they had to do was tell us they cared, and it had a strange effect; It made us feel better. It has also helped us to know that so many of you care about this adoption process. You ask us what's going on, or if we've heard anything, and even if we are telling you the same thing we've told 20 other people, it makes us feel good to know you are thinking of us.

This weekend we realized that you may be able to do even more.

We've always known that we aren't very good salespeople, especially when it comes to selling ourselves. When we'd look at adoptive couple's profiles there would invariably be a large percentage that started with something like, "Pick us! Pick US!!!", or "At last you've found us! We're the ones for your baby!". Every couple has a different personality that is just right for some baby, but that just isn't our style. We're more reserved. We figure that we may miss out on some interest, but our personalities will be just right for "the one". As a result we haven't paid much attention to advise on networking. It just feels weird to plaster yourselves on a billboard with a list of claims about how wonderful you are, or to hand out "We want your baby" business cards. No thanks.

However...

Due to our excellent March Madness picks, we won a dinner at Nate and Kellie's, which they provided last night. It was a great night. FanTAStic food, delectable dessert, and charismatic company. As we chatted the night away with our great friends and played games, we talked a lot about kids (they have an adorable two month old, and of course, adoption). They expressed a desire to do whatever they could and asked if they could tell people about us. "Sure.", we said, "you never know how it'll work out".

Fast-forward about, oh, 14 hours.

We came home from church to a message from Kellie. She told so-and-so about us, and so-and-so knew so-and-so who is planning on placing her baby for adoption. We know not to get OVERly excited (we had a similar thing happen with a friend who lives in another state a few months ago) so we'll warn you about the same, BUT it is very exciting just to know there's a chance that someone who may have never seen our profile, will take a look, and give the Spirit a chance to whisper "Pick them! Pick THEM! At last you've found them. They're the ones for your baby".

Sooooooo, Sure. If you think you could give us a good recommendation, and you feel so inclined, spread the word. You never know. Have them check out our blogs or our profile or we can give you our adoption contact info. All we ask is that you don't pressure the birthmother. She has the biggest decision of her life to make, and doesn't need any additional stress. If she ends up being OUR birthmother, then we're already fiercely protective...so take it easy on her, GOT IT! ;o)

Oh, and Nate & Kellie, even if this contact doesn't work out. Thanks. And if it happens to work out, and you guys end up being able to take credit for introducing us to each other AND to introducing us to our baby, well... I told Nate he should apply for the job he has now, so, that makes us even...right? :o)

Also, thanks to those of you who are already keeping your ears open, just in case. And I'll also take this opportunity to thank our friend who understandably wishes to remain anonymous, for her work a few months ago.

You guys are the greatest bunch we could hope for...Awwwwwwww :o)

The NEW New Perspective

Did we call it a burden? Wait a minute here…

I know that there are so many blessings from having kids. Learning and growth and joys that can’t be had any other way, but, as I heard someone say recently, being a parent is a huge sacrifice as well. So explain to me again why NOT being able to sacrifice is such a trial. Hmmm?

I understand that we are probably going through some previously documented series of emotions, notwithstanding, I currently feel happy to just be with Carrie. We’ve had a really enjoyable week together, starting with Carrie’s birthday. I’ve been going in to work really early, so we’ve been able to have our evenings together all week, and we’ve had a blast. Last night we even spent an hour at the grocery store. It was terribly inefficient shopping, but we were both in good moods and we were just talking the whole time and enjoying the time we have together. No kids to keep track of, no babysitters to pay, just the two of us.

Kids will come at some point, and I’m sure we’ll go through another round of “Why does it have to be so hard”, but until then (and even after), I’m just going to be grateful that I married my best friend, and that after over 6.5 years of being married and 8.5 years of being together, I still can’t get enough of my sweetheart.

Lifting the Burden

Waiting for adoption is hard. You basically have no control over it. Once you've done the paperwork, completed the classes, and submitted your letter and collage all you can do is wait.

And like I just said, waiting is hard.

You're always thinking and hoping and wondering about your birthmom and your baby. When will it happen? What is she going through right now? Will we have our baby by Christmas? Will I finish teaching this year? Will I be teaching for another 2 years? Should I buy diapers right now? What about curtains? I don't have curtains for the nursery yet. What about school? What if we adopt before the school year ends? What will my class do? Who will teach them? Can I get everything finished in time? What if nothing happens and we're still waiting like this next year? Has anyone looked at our profile recently? Who's looking at it? What do they think? Why aren't more people looking at it? Has our caseworker given our profile to anyone to look at yet? Am I prepared to have a baby? Am I prepared to teach for another undetermined amount of years?

Lots and lots of questions. Lots and lots of worries. Lots and lots of hoping. Lots and lots of disappointment. Lots and lots of anxiety.

It's too stressful for me. I can't sit on the edge of my seat hoping and waiting like that. It takes too much energy and I can't focus on anything. But I can't not sit on the edge of my seat hoping and waiting. I can't ignore it. If I stop thinking about it then I might not be prepared for when it happens. And I have to be prepared. I'm worried that if I stop dwelling on it I won't be ready for it. We've been to Babies R Us so many times in the past 2 months. We have every item needed to create baby-happiness known to man. (Except a swing and a baby monitor, and believe me, I've lost sleep over the fact that we are swing-less.) We are basically as physically, spiritually, and emotionally prepared as we can be for this baby. We really can't do any more.

So last week I went to the Lord in prayer and did what I seem to have a hard time doing. I did what I should probably do more often in my life. I gave him the burden. I basically said, "I cannot live like this anymore. I can't keep hoping every day that the phone will ring with good news. I can't check my email every day hoping there's an email from a birthmother. I just can't. So, here's my burden of hope. Take it and carry it for me. Just promise me that when the time comes for our baby to come that I will be ready."

And since then I've felt peace. I'm not worried about anything. Giving Him my burden has freed me to enjoy life again. I'm no longer anxious about whether or not I'll be teaching or taking care of a baby next month. Instead I'm thinking about what I'm going to plant in the garden and wondering whether or not we'll be able to keep our lawn from dieing again this summer. You know, the fun stuff in life.

This past week while I was contemplating this little miracle of peace in my life the phrase from a hymn came to my mind. "I'll cast my burden on the Lord and trust his constant care." I looked up all the words to that hymn aaaand they all pretty much describe how I've been feeling.

How Gentle God's Commands

"How gentle God's commands!
How kind his precepts are!
Come, cast your burdens on the Lord
And trust his constant care.

Beneath his watchful eye,
His Saints securely dwell;
That hand which bears all nature up
Shall guard his children well.

Why should this anxious load
Press down your weary mind?
Haste to your Heav'nly Father's throne
And sweet refreshment find.

His goodness stands approved,
Unchanged from day to day;
I'll drop my burden at his feet
And bear a song away."

I don't think I've ever really known what it felt like to drop my burden at his feet until now. I know he's helped with my burdens before, especially with Joshua and Jeff, but I've never asked him to take the whole thing away. It feels good. I feel like I'm wrapped in a warm comforter all the time. And everything is brighter. And I'm free to be happy. It's a very good feeling. Sweet refreshment indeed.

New Perspective

A couple of weeks ago we had a high councilman in our sacrament meeting say, and I quote, "If you don't have any patience, you'd better hurry-up and learn it". If it hadn't been for Carrie I'd have missed the humor in that statement. Being the obedient guy I am, I've really tried hard to do as directed by that high councilman, but it hasn't been easy. Patience is only learned one way, and it isn't even close to "hurry-up".

This last week has been pretty difficult. Carrie (as you've likely already read) had come up with a way to help her have a good attitude. I on the other hand haven't had that great attitude and have tried to figure out how to have that attitude. So Carrie and I fasted for me today, and I'm happy to say that it yielded some fast results (seriously, no pun intended).

In Sacrament meeting it all started when no one was getting up to bear their testimony, which always tugs at me and makes me ponder my own testimony. My nephew, Andrew, recognized the silence and took the opportunity to go up all by himself to bear his sincere testimony. I was proud of him for his example, and for helping me think sincerely about how I felt about Jesus, and the LDS church, and our modern day prophet. Then a young man in our ward who is preparing for a mission got up and bore his testimony about God's love for him and how he felt it this week when he got into his car after attending Institute. That reminded me of the day, in my own car, when I asked Heavenly Father if Carrie and I were going to get married, after 2 years of being great friends, but on-again off-again 'MORE-than-friends'. The answer was 'Yes' and I think that may be the happiest moment of my life. I felt so loved. That moment had come after much heartache and pleadings with Heavenly Father for a long time.

Then a former member of the bishopric talked about attending the temple with his oldest son who leaves for his mission in a few weeks. That caused me to reflect on a day in January 2007. After seeing my youngest brother-in-law sealed in the temple, we were able to sit in the celestial room with my in-laws. I saw the joy in their eyes as they looked out and saw all five of their children, all with spouses sealed to them. Remembering that special day made me think about how sweet that moment must have been for them; Over 30 years since they started their sweet little family.

I thought about how many times in my life I've had to be patient for something I wanted so badly, and how much sweeter the end was when I had had to endure or be patient. Also, about how hindsight always brought understanding and light to those times that felt so dark or impossibly hard. I thought about how, in the winter, I never really feel THAT cold when I get into my car because I know that when I get out of my car I'll be warmed by the heater.

While I don't feel like I know what's going to happen with our family, or how much longer we'll have to wait for kid(s), or any direction as to what I should do, I DO feel like the day will come that these moments will be understood, and I will feel sweet joy at some future time. And right now, that's good enough. I may feel 'cold' now, but knowing I'll be warm in the future, makes it feel much less cold.

The final verse of the closing hymn sums it up pretty well.

"As testimony fills my heart,
It dulls the pain of days.
For one brief moment, heaven's view
Appears before my gaze."

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